I have done nothing this week……Well, okay, so I did something. Just not what I intended. What else is new? Oh and I have a new favorite word…..asshat.
Originally my plan was (uh, last week) to sweep and mop the floors in this hellhole which never ever looks clean no matter what you do. Go through boxes and chuck asshat’s stuff. Go through file cabinets and chuck asshat’s stuff. Go through drawers and chuck asshat’s stuff.
Is there a theme here? Hmmm. Well, was looking desperately for a card reader for the camera, well, because the 2 year old camera is obviously now just a dinosaur and Kodak doesn’t give a fig that it won’t upload to my computer anymore and nothing I did worked. So I had brilliant idea to use the card from camera in the reader and attach to computer. Well, can’t find the reader. Can’t find Kodak software on CD. Pretty sure asshat has that too. Of course to discover what you don’t have, you have to go through all the shit you do have, and that is the tricky part. I now have an enormous pile of crap on the loveseat which I haven’t sat on since asshat left. “All you ever do is sit on the couch and watch tv.” Hmm maybe because you were on my computer all the time?
Anyway, what set me off was I was trying to find some drawing paper. I am an artist. This should not be an issue! But…….I tried. And unless I pulled down every box in the dinky ass closet we were given, which has shelves at the wrong height so you can only hang stuff on the bottom wires, and the second wires are only high enough for hangers and boxes, and the top is nearly impossible to reach, so…..I didn’t. (breathe Cat, breathe) So I then tried the file cabinet. Well, came across some lovely dovey shit from asshat, and a pic of asshat and his son, and asshat and his mom, and that was the lasssssst straw. Let’s get this straight. You do not raise a child to age 43 and teach them it is okay to leave your wife just because you don’t like her. I don’t care. You raise them, you kick them out and move on. But since asshat had his “accident” in 1992 (more of that in another post later when I can write it without screaming or beating the crap out of my keyboard), she has babied him completely and his dad is always working in another town, which is fishy enough if you ask me, but he eats it up. Mommy buys everything, mommy cleans for him, mommy drives him everywhere. Mommy can kiss my ass. I absolutely will NEVER ever get back together with him, because she is the ultimate baggage and I can’t stand her.
Ok, so back to the paper. (remember, I went to get drawing paper and then found shit that ticked me off???) I found some crappy ‘stuff’ (paper that is meant for kids not drawing for adults) in the file cabinet, along with ex step-son’s drawings I had filed in there. UGH. Breaking my heart. A cute little “I love you to the edge of the universe” crap on a tiny scrap of paper. And that did it. All the stuff he’d put and I had saved. “I will love you forever and ever!” blah blah blah.
Meltdown ensued. Screamed at the walls, screamed at myself. Cried and cried and told God and myself, NEVER AGAIN. Never will I believe a word he says. Not that I have even seen him in 3 months. Not spoken, texted, nothing but the one time I called and bitched him out for screwing up my medicaid. ASSHAT.
So for the last two weeks……I have ignored/muted phone (no one calls me anyway but my mom and 800 numbers asking for money, sales, etc from last owner of my number.) I have been up way past 4-5 am every night. I sleep days on and off. I don’t eat. I barely go out unless I am out of cigs or milk, or whatever. I am so sick of living here. The noise levels have improved, but most days it’s thumping up and down the stairs, slamming the doors, and talking incessantly in the halls outside my apartment. Everyone in this building has a mental issue. Next door has Paranoid Schizophrenia. I don’t know what upstairs above me has, but she moves furniture constantly, stomps across the entire apartment all day and night with what can only be described as heavy combat boots. Then there is the depressed guy above her who I can hear blasting his music. The one next door is Mary (don’t worry, she never goes online and never will read this) who loves to draw weird ass pics of lines intersecting all over her apartment in her drawings, and usually very very weird…..”Lights” she sees in squares…..and let’s not forget she hears voices. LEGITIMATE voices in her head. Just thought I would mention that because “my voices” aren’t real. I just made it all up to help me to motivate myself. Her voices told her my ex was into her and wanted to sleep with her. Her voices have told her to leave the cockroaches alone or else. Her voices tell her to hammer (with nails), all the pictures she has drawn all over every single freakin wall of her 2 room apartment! And she hasn’t spoken to me in ages. The other day, I inadvertently said, “Hi.” When I came in from throwing out the trash. She ignored me at first, then suddenly I heard, “Are you okay Cathy?” I’m like, ‘shit, now what do I say? Do I tell her she’s driving me crazy with all her hammering? Do I tell her he’s gone and has been for ages? And what exactly does she know? No, I just quickly jabbed the key in the lock, said a quick, “Yup, I’m fine,” and shut my door behind me. “Please don’t knock on my door, please..…” She didn’t. Thank God.
So, I sat up drawing that night. I cried some, I was pissed again, I was just sick to death of being tired of the same routine. Coffee, Facebook, replies, chat with mom, drink more coffee, smoke another, go back to bed. I must admit however, it’s been a pretty good week, considering last week was Anniversary #3, his birthday, and Valentine’s day all in one week. And Friday the 13th to boot. On Thursday I went out to Walgreens for cigs and came back to get mail and found a note from UPS. SO for the next 24 hours I was freaking out about it, wondering what the hell it was. I have no money, I didn’t send for anything. It said something about a signature, so I assumed the worst……..Divorce papers? A dope on Facebook said, “Yup, they come by UPS too.” So of course, the the next few hours I dreaded that package.
On Friday I waited and waited. Finally he buzzed my door, and I headed to the front of our building. Mary was sitting there. UGH. I took the small package from the UPS guy and thanked him. It was Friday the 13th. What the hell was it??
Well, weeks ago I had sent a little blurb into a contest at AMC theaters about the Paddington bear movie. It honestly was more like months ago. And I won.
In the soft little package was a cute little Paddington, along with a note that said I’d won for best entry in the contest. Wow. I never win shit. This was cool and I didn’t get divorce papers.
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Tony: What time is it?
Bruce: Um….1:30
Tony: A.M?
Bruce: Yup.
Tony: What the hell? Why are we up at this hour again?
Clint: Sweeping and mopping, doing dishes, cleaning the ceiling fans…
Tony: Damn. What got into her? She seems awfully motivated all the sudden.
Bruce: Think she’s just tired of looking at the floor. No matter how many times she cleans it, it just looks nasty.
Tony: Aw, yeah, that “green” flooring which is all recycled crap and soft as hell. She’s fighting a losing battle there.
Natasha: She only did half the floor. I think she got tired.
Me: No I didn’t. The floor was wet and I needed a path to the computer. These ideas come in bucketfuls lately. Gotta write them down when they hit me or I forget them.
Clint: That last meme was hilarious. I’m still chuckling.
Me: Me too. I want to do more, but they take so damn long.
Tony: An artistic mind is never at rest. You’re on a roll girl.
Me: Yeah, I just wish I had a notepad in my head where I could just click “save” for everything, like on the computer.
Bruce: you should keep a notebook on your bedside table to write ideas down at night.
Me: Problem is the ideas often come so fast I can’t write that quickly and it’s when I’m awake.
Bruce: I understand. By the way, that meme of Mark Ruffalo/Hulk got a lot of ‘likes’.
Me: I know! Maybe he’ll see it and like it too.
Cap: Who’s Mark Ruffalo?
Bruce: The guy who plays me in the Avengers. Try to keep up……
Thor: I Think the man who plays me is unrealistic. His hair looks nothing like mine.
Tony: (eye roll) So Cat? Can we expect to go to sleep anytime soon? You are re-writing words twenty times over because you’re tired and keep misspelling everything.
Me: I do need to sleep. It’s nearly 3 now. Ugh. Well, I’ll finsih the *shit* finish the mopping tomorrow. The floor will sitill…….*shit. Still be there.
Clint: Nitey nite sweetheart. It’s time. Go to bed already.
Me: Nite gals…..I mean huys I mean guys……sheesh. Till next dine…..I mean dime…….I mean TIME.
Bruce: Yep, she’s done.
Why do the voices in my head sound like the Avengers? 