I had one of those dreams again.

I had one of those dreams again.

I used to have them all the time. Then they stopped for awhile. They start up again at various points in my life, causing me to despise sleep and question what they mean. They are almost always terrifying, but I never die. Sometimes I wake up and realize I didn’t die. I’m still here.

The tornado dreams.

I’ve analyzed them over and over. I’ve researched them for over 30 years now. Every one is unique, yet always ends in nearly the same way- with me absolutely terrified, preparing to die. Then I wake up. And the feelings they convey stay with me for days after.

In past dreams, I was coming down the huge hill which was the road to our house where I grew up. I stood at the top and chaos halfway down included black skies, people screaming, and tornadoes all below destroying everything. All I could do was watch from where I was.
Another was on flat land, black skies again, swirling monstrous winds blowing all around me, people huddling together, all watching as the huge funnels head toward them, usually with me nearby, ducking debris and praying it won’t get me.

And then I wake up.

This one was no less horrifying.

I was getting on a bus. I was headed toward a store or somewhere, then notice the bus begins to change course and I hear people talking about getting to shelter. Unfortunately, the bus depot where we end up turns into a trailer, not a sturdy building. Everyone on the bus is suddenly watching out the trailer windows, the swirling clouds are directly in front of us, and three or more tornadoes form. I am gripped with the realization, “this can’t be happening again!?” , and I begin to feel my stomach becoming increasingly upset, my muscles tense up and I panic. My head is like the whirling skies, trying to make it stop, almost willing it to, but I can’t. I notice me ex beside me, but as in many dreams with him I ignore his presence, and continue to watch helplessly as the tornadoes get closer. Things around the trailer are flying by, and I’m screaming. Some moron in the group opens the door to look out, and then tries to close it again, but can’t and a woman suddenly gets sucked out the doorway. I gasp in horror watching her disappear and begin praying, “God, just don’t let this hurt.” The tornado is right there, and I am going to die.

But I don’t.

Instead I wake up, totally upset, shaking, sweating and thinking, “oh shit. Not the dreams again.”

As a kid I sleep walked. And dreams were always vivid. Colorful, exciting, hilarious, downright awesome at times. Once I was fighting bad guys alongside MacGyver, and it was really cool. I felt invincible, indestructible. But sometimes the dreams were stormy, obscene, frightening or embarrassing. And the tornado dreams began, from what I remember, in my teens. They were mostly one a year or so, then I began having them more frequently. I started to write them down, trying to find a pattern. In all the research I’ve read, the theme seems obvious, chaos in my life = chaos in my dreams. Things are up in the air, thoughts are tossed about, but never taking root or landing. I’m scared because, as a Libran, I need plans, routines, closure. And I still haven’t found my true soil yet. I’m not planning to stay in Hel Paso, but lacking the proper guidance or transportation to get to where my final planting will be. I’ve been uprooted so many times and placed in the wrong kind of environment, I’m weary of this constant “waiting for my place to settle down and be”.

And the dreams/nightmares (though nightmares is a silly word to use because I rarely sleep at night), always leave me with one nagging impression, ” I didn’t die when everyone around me did.”

From what I have understood researching these dreams, the point is this, ‘I’m ok.’ The world around me has fallen apart, the tornadoes have destroyed everything. They haven’t killed me. I’m still standing, looking back, always at a distance, thinking “why am I the only one still alive?”

Because I’m indestructible.

I know, you’re saying, “yeah, uh huh, sooner or later, you’ll recognize you’re human, not a superhero.”

Maybe I’ll tell you to read the definition of a superhero and tell me I’m wrong. 🙂

I keep feeling scared and sad when the dreams come. But then I remember the ending of each dream. I’m the one watching and breathing. Like the ending of some epic movie, the music will play some uplifting song, poignant and reassuring, and the hero will go on, quietly walking into the sunset.

Everyone is a superhero in their own movie. We don’t all wear capes or carry a sword.

I need a tissue.

And coffee….

~RennerCat
(Cat)

—
Sent from Fast notepad

Bits and pieces

All the voices in my head and yeah, me in the center.

Why do the voices in my head sound like the Avengers? ‘BITS and PIECES’

I’ve been writing lots of funny stuff on my Facebook page and not giving much time to the blog, so I decided to place some of those posts here as one page so they can be kept safe and sound and reviewable later on. I’ll try to add the pics that went with them as well. No guarantees it will work. A typical month of posting can show myself and others my thinking pattens, anxieties and depression, monumental tasks and abilities to deal with daily crap.

ÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅÅ

These are all from the same day, a long day of getting food, riding the bus, and dealing with shitty weather and memories.

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We rode the “Articulated bus” today to get to our Albertson’s grocery store. No one here can even say ‘articulated’. It is basically a long set of two buses with a rubber thingy in between and each end moves independently. Banner doesn’t like sitting in the back because you can see the front turn way before the back and complained often every time we rounded a corner. Clint was in rare form, making me stifle giggles all day, quoting from Lord of the Rings often and other silly stuff from movies.

Bruce: I hate these things. Why can’t we sit in the front?
Me: Because the front is full. Let’s just sit right behind the rubber divider. 😉 Then we can wave to the driver as he goes by.
Clint: That is funny as hell.
Tony: Look, we’re going up the hill. It’s like a giant caterpillar climbing up a branch.
Bruce: Shut up. I think I’m going to throw up.
Cap: You are turning a little green.
Me: Oh I love this big hill, we’re going UP!
Clint: (Golem voice) “Up, up up the hill…..until we get to………the
tuuuuuunnnnellll……..”
(all cracking up. Except me who is trying to keep a straight face)
Bruce: Pull the cord!!!!! Pull the damn cord now! Stop this crazy thing I want offffffffffffff!

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So after a 1/2 mile walk from bus stop to Albertson’s through the drizzling rain and stifling more giggles (Clint still yapping in my head, too much coffee and he’s George Carlin) we finally arrived. I stopped to pee, grabbed a cart and shoved my little cart under it. We began scouring the veggies, cheeses and bakery. Over the bakery is a shelf up high, covered with various ugly ass pinatas which I swear I would be embarrassed to admit to making.

Tony: They have a very limited selection. Spongebob? Seriously, he is so boring.
Bruce: Is that supposed to be me? Why am I “furry?”
Clint: Love the pants dude.
Tony: That doesn’t even look like me…….or my suit.
Cap: That one is kinda nice actually. They’ve got more detail in mine.
Thor: How can they have Dora and not me?
Clint: Has ANYONE noticed, there is NEVER a freaking Hawkeye one?? I mean, come on, why is there never one of me?
Bruce: I don’t know. It’s a mystery. But………um, I think we should move on…..
Clint: Why?
Bruce: Clearly there is one here Cat will not like.

I can be silly and still deep, and put my heart out for others, hoping maybe to reach that one person who feel exactly like me, but needs to know someone else cares. That’s when I come up with this:

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So out and about today. I just wish one day would go by when something didn’t remind me of my ex. It really sucks. We used to take the bus together, shopped the stores I now shop alone at, and little things would come to mind all day, “he used to like to eat that” and “he made me laugh about that.”
It’s self destructive, it’s harmful. And I am pretty sure due to his TBI he doesn’t give me a second thought all day long.
So I have employed these 6 people to stick up for me, to shut up my mind when I go there, to say the words I want to say and take away the pain of losing someone I gave everything to.
Clint was constantly chiming in today every time my mind went “there” and he has in fact decided that my ex, AKA :the dickhead, is to be constantly purged from my thoughts.
Every time I saw something, said something to myself, or thought about “him”, I heard,
“Shut up. The dickhead doesn’t deserve you. The dickhead isn’t here, buy that because YOU want it, and the dickhead doesn’t get any of it. The dickhead has his mommy cooking for him now, so he’s a big dickhead. Only a dickhead runs home to his mommy. Stop talking about the dickhead. Why do you give a shit about the dickhead?” And so on. Sorry Mom, but he’s a dickhead and I can’t stop saying it. I could say that Clint also used a few other choice words, but basically he hates the dickhead and constantly reminds me I don’t deserve to be treated the way only dickheads treat women.
It made me laugh after awhile and realize, I must be getting over him a bit because I am in fact not bound to the house because of him, and I can still laugh, even if it hurts, it’s getting better. If I ran into him one day on the street, I am pretty sure Clint would tell me to say, “Hi Dickhead, how’s it hangin?” He’d really hate that.

(*Note: after writing this on Facebook, I was worried my mom would be angry that I used the word “dickhead” so much. She in fact, remarked later, “No, I’m not mad, he IS a dickhead!” which was just the response I always enjoy from my mom. lol)

I started the “deep thoughts” idea and then decided to do one for each Avenger to explain why each one is important and how they help me cope with my anxiety/depression.

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Put on my jeans that are increasing in size rapidly now, a nice button down dress shirt I haven’t worn in over 7 years and went to the Family Dollar. No jacket, and very nice out.
Tony: Ok, so we’re just getting ketchup right? In and out. I hate dollar stores, so we’re in an out…..yes?
Me: Yup. Just Ketchup.
Clint: And hairspray. Remember?
Me: Yup, got it. Ketchup and hairspray, quick fix and we’re done.
Tony: So glad. Ten minutes tops.
Me: Yup.
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Clint: Um….
Me: What the hell? They redid the entire store, and look at all the shiny!
Clint: Hairsp—-
Me: Look, they have moved EVERYTHING and now I have NO idea where anything is!!
Tony: Crap. Ketchup, just find the ketchup.
Clint: Hairspray.
Me: Oh, Jello Cheesecake. I need this. And look, new pretty stuff.
Tony: KETCHUP!!!!!!!!
Clint: Look at the funny people all wandering around in circles aimlessly trying to find things HA HA HA.
Twenty minutes later:
Woman at register : “Did you find everything okay?”
Me: (snort) “Um, I’m still not sure. Did I buy Ketchup? Yup, I’m good.”

And don’t forget the bra

Nothing like settling in (finally) for a nice little sleep and damn monster wakes me up groaning and growling.
My stomach. “Hurry up!” it says, “Eat NOW” it chides.
“There are starving people all over the world, and I have to FORCE myself to eat when I don’t want to.” I tell it.
“Yeah, you’re becoming one of them.” It replies.
Shoveling a cheese steak in as fast as possible just to stop the rumbling, and now I have the hiccups from eating too fast.
Depression, it’s what’s for dinner……….

.

And then the computer went nuts. I was not happy. And then Facebook too. And I was livid.

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To whoever told me it is impossible to kill a spider plant I say, “HA!”
Polka dot plant, dead. Spider plant, nearly dead. And yes I watered and loved on them. It’s HELPaso, TX where EVERYTHING comes to die. The only thing still alive here is the SNAKE plant. The only animal that LOVES the desert and refuses to kick the bucket. (Have had it for 5 years now. Doesn’t grow, but it’s not dying at least)

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Sunday mornings. it was a good one. I was sleeping better, maybe a little too well, and silly was rampant again. My moods can go from 1-6- in less than a minute. That’s when I do my funniest, best stuff.

And then of course, there are MONDAYS, when all hell breaks loose and my last nerve is shaken and I can’t sleep, can’t eat and things seem to be going downhill.

That’s when I make stuff like this:

I was supposed to go out and get blood pressure medicine. I was supposed to do a lot of things. But I was in and out of bed all day, aggravated and angry, and ready to call it a day before it had even started. Of course, the “guys” had their own agenda…..

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Tony: So….the “cheesecake”…….
Me: Yes? The Jello stuff that attempts to “be cheesecake” what about it?
Tony: Are you going to be making it soon? If not we may have a mutiny.
Clint: Yup.
Me: Mutiny? How dare you. Don’t I give you everything you need? Do I not keep you in coffee and pop tarts…toaster strudel, cheeseburgers? Have I not given you a good laugh daily?
Tony: Yeah, but you know, that all just goes so far.
Me: Well, I had thought about it, now I’m not so sure. It’s like 1 am and……
Clint: Oh please, you made garlic shrimp at 4 am the other night. You don’t know what time is. Make the cheesecake or we’re leaving.
Cap: I don’t see how forcing her to make cheesecake is necessary.
Me: You grow on me Captain, thank you. I am totally falling for you now.
Cap: (to the others) You hear that, ha!
Clint: Yeah, well she doesn’t goof on you in all her memes. I want cheesecake and Tony is my backup.
Me: What do I get out of it if I make it?
Clint: Um, CHEESECAKE? And a hilarious bunch of happy people who will do your bidding. That’s WHAT.
Me: Well, when you put it that way, I was actually going to do it anyway, but you just gave me something funny to write.
Clint: Damn Tony, we didn’t see that coming did we?
Tony: Nope.

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I got up long enough to go through a weird energy spurt, maybe in some way I created it to get some things done, and put on my earbuds, cranked up the Josh Groban and started to sing. LOUDLY. I managed to wash a mess of dishes that had sat for days, wipe down things, cook a meal, make a pot of coffee and even clean out the fridge. Josh Groban songs in Italian, French and English, and I’m singing it all as if the world can just fuck off and leave me alone.

So that was a week worth of crappiness. I have no idea what Tuesday will bring, but at least the Avengers is on TV again for the millionth time, so I will talk myself into a better mood maybe…..

Remember, each day, each moment can change when you live with depression and/or anxiety. I may wake up in a wild mood, or a pissed off one, depending on my pain level, sleep, eating and the weather. But even the best laid plans can be suddenly changed by one tiny little thing and become a mountain. Try to remember that most mountains are just anthills that can be kicked over and walked over, and not to allow the mountain to overwhelm you. Sounds good, now to follow my own advice right? Well, I will…….maybe tomorrow. After my coffee. ❤