Naked & Afraid vs The Avengers

 

Who's idea was this shit?

I’m not sure I like this idea…

Naked & Afraid – AVENGERS style

 

The guys ( and Nat) and I were finishing up dinner, thinking about “Naked & Afraid” the TV show. It was set to come on soon, and I started picturing it with each of the Avengers. The results were hilarious of course, and as always, I just had to write it down.

——————————————————

Let’s see….

Tony. Aka- IronMan. First thing is, he’d be Stark naked. This would cause problem’s for the woman he’s been paired with. First of all, the overstressed mother of four from Kansas would either find Tony Stark utterly hot and as she has four kids I’m guessing she’s not had a lot of romance lately. And with a camera crew following them, it could get interesting.

On the other hand, she could find him utterly repulsive, which would be a huge blow to his ego, leading to a total breakdown in communication, and subsequently the Kansas woman tapping out, leaving Tony alone (and still naked) and  completely lost without his metal suits, money or a computer, which would really be difficult for him. He’d probably be happy to have a built in nightlight though, which could be bad for attracting tons of mosquitoes….he really should have brought a mosquito net instead of his iPhone as a survival item, as there are no cell towers in the jungle, duh. His comical self obsession to the cameras could be funny.

 

Clint mentioned that Tony would never be able to make fire without his suit, and with that Tony stormed off mumbling something about buying the rights to the show, removing the “stupid blurs from the naked people”, and changing its schedule so the show didn’t coincide with dinnertime…(because eating slimy grubs while he’s chowing down isn’t cool with him).

 

Thor. Aka- The god of thunder.

In almost every show, the continual rain has thwarted attempts at making fire.

This could be easily fixed if Thor waved his hand and dried up all the rain. But the camera crew would be questioning the change of weather, stating it could be cheating. But how could they prove he wasn’t just swatting mosquitoes?

Thor brings mjolinir, useful in battling rogue wild beasts but not so much for combing his thick hair. Or swatting mosquitoes. Ow.

At least the woman he was paired with would enjoy braiding his hair, but at the mere mention of cutting some off to use for cording, he would become  enraged and fly off screaming about “stupid mortal television programs”. Oops.

 

Bruce. Aka- The Hulk.

His partner would be terrified of everything BUT the jungle, between trying to warm up to a furry bear (Banner’s hairy chest) at night, and wondering how long until he would lose his cool and begin turning green, making the show filming come to a complete stop until he calmed down again. On the plus side, his rage provided plenty of wood and trees for shelter, firewood and high fruits would be easily accessible. No monkeys would be hanging around either….or anyone on the crew. Another plus is his knowledge of medicinal plants and edible mushrooms but if his partner didn’t like care for an all veggie diet she’d starve. His application for the show was thrown away because being nearly or all naked is just the norm for Banner, so it’s not much of a jump for him. The crew had to be replaced after he became upset with the decision to not use him…

 

Steve. Aka- Captain America.

Poor Steve would probably be paired up with a German woman, hell bent on being tough and spending all her time discussing the fall of the Berlin Wall. Firewood and shelter would be no problem, but Steve would build a separate shelter for himself because he’d be too embarrassed to be naked in front of a woman. He’d also avert his eyes from his partner and instead of making fire, he’d be making her clothing to cover up her entire body. Steve thought about the idea, and removed his application for the show from the mailbox. No one told him that Tony snuck it back in when he wasn’t looking….” Captain America: Civil War” was born the next day.

 

Natasha. Aka- Black Widow.

Every man who asked to be her partner due to her beauty subsequently changed their minds after she showed her ass kicking skills. None have been seen since…when someone applies again, we’ll let you know.

By the way, Natasha did not find this section humorous, and I am now typing this from the shitter….

 

Clint. Aka- Hawkeye.

Ok, naked Clint, big plus.

Able to hunt with a stick and dental floss bow (yes, his one survival item is dental floss), and some bamboo arrows. Food from high trees not a problem, finding the best path to extraction would be easy with his view high up in the canopy, and his encouraging and calm nature would be a benefit. Plus he’s freakin’ NAKED!

Drawbacks. If dropped off in a desert environment, Hawkeye might feel out of place. No trees, no bow, no food, no extraction. Unless his one item is a portable pine tree, he’s gonna tap out.

But he’s still NAKED!  🙂

 

I can’t get anyone from “Naked & Afraid” productions to respond to my inquires. Will keep you posted.

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