Wild and wacky emotional rollercoaster

He must get so tired of the stupid questions.

I know how it feels. I really do….

For 6 months my life has been quiet. Maybe the universe has seen fit to give me a break finally. Money’s good, food is good, mood is so-so, up and down, and hermit status is stable. I only venture out when necessary, which isn’t very often unless I run out of something. It’s not that I am totally against “going anywhere”, it’s just that whole, “gotta put on a bra, gotta shower and shave my legs cuz it’s hot as shit out and I need to wear shorts, and drag the damn cart if I’m getting food,” part that bugs me. I plan to go out, but then I just don’t.

My car still sits in the parking lot, mostly collecting spiderwebs, which is just not a good sign. I haven’t even tried to start it in ages. I does run, but the tags are expired and in order to get it back on the road, I would have to lie. And I hate to lie. But it is necessary at times. One tag is the regular every year one which I can manage, but for some reason just haven’t. The other is the damn inspection sticker that TX requires and in order to pass it, you have to either have a perfect car or know a guy, and then pay said guy a buttload of money to lie. He will run it on the machine, take your money, then fudge the paperwork so it passes and slaps a sticker on the car. Then and only then can I drive it. Legally anyway.

So, for over 6 years I have had to find said “guy” and beg him mercilessly to pass my 15+ year old Toyota Corolla. It’s a great car, but has a damn engine light on since I moved to Hel Paso, TX  6+  years ago. It’s just a fuel filter, which sounds simple enough right? Well, no, it’s in the gas tank, which needs to be removed before changing and it’s not a cheap little process. And it requires leaving the car after I purchase and provide the parts for the car to the mechanic!  Then I would have to walk the 7 -9 blocks to my house, and well, it’s bloody ass hot out there! I never had the money when asshat was here. His appetite for everything cost me a lot of money. I say ME because my check was based on the fact I worked so I get Social Security disability. His SS is only like $200 a month, which he has had to spend on child support, his own bills and stupid shit like deodorant and shampoo, which he loved to waste like it was air.  And he could never just by the cheaper shit, had to be the “good” stuff lol. And don’t get me started on food. Please. Being unable to manage his money, I had to pay for mostly everything.

So………back to the car. Never had the money. Now I do. But still haven’t wanted to deal with it. For one thing, I have this horrific fear of “breaking down” and no one to save me. I mean, in NY I had friends, and family. In GA I had friends, who had sons and husbands, who knew what the hell they were doing. They knew better than to put antifreeze into the windshield washer fluid container of the car. (Yes, he DID IT, ASSHOLE)Oh, but he “knew a lot about cars.” Uh huh. Sure. And here, well, I have no one. Nope. Not a single freaking soul who could help me. HE has his family. And “I’m not with stupid anymore” (a tee shirt I just have to buy had that phrase), so that ends that symbiotic relationship as well. Well, as symbiotic as a pit viper from hell and a sweet pussycat like me can be anyway. 😉

I also have this fear of just plain driving here. The cops have pulled me over for the stupidest things, of course the stickers when I actually DID drive without them, a little tiny light-bulb on my license plate which had been burned out and I didn’t know it (of course I also got the lecture from the cop about “well, you had it inspected, they should have told you it wasn’t working”….um, sorry sir, I paid a guy…….and well. Just cuff me already. I lied. I am a bad person. Throw away the damn key.), i just fear the cops and I have NEVER ever been in trouble or gone to jail in my life. But here, shit, don’t bother driving. They just love to pull you over. Every time I would see one behind me I just freaked out. Not good when you already suffer with anxiety attacks regularly.

The funny thing is, I am still paying child support,…….er, car insurance on it. EVERY DAMN MONTH!

$36 each and every month to insure a car I am not even turning on. Yup.

So, I take the bus. I know the routes pretty well now, and the schedules are mostly in my head for the 2-3 I take regularly. And the exercise is good for me right? And it has air conditioning. My car does too, but I never used it because gas was so high. Um, yeah, I know, gas is cheap now. And I DON’T HAVE A CAR! Just let that sink in.

cant do adult today

SO, this is my motto these days. I just “don’t deal”. I don’t sleep either. I do try now and then, but hey, I’ve got over 1000 people liking this shit now and a girl’s gotta stay on top of all those comments and likes and tweets and it never ever ends. I just plug along each day, trying to get new inspiration from my readers and fans, and run a group for other bloggers, tweet my heart out, cry some, eat a bite of something and put the rest away, shower so I don’t stink up the place, and yes, occasionally go out to that place where the sun lives and pray no assholes piss me off that day. And then I’m listening to music, making memes and playing on my new tablet. Then I do it all again the next day…….ugh.

And frankly, if they weren’t here (those folks in my head keeping me going) I don’t know what I would have done by now. Probably checked into another mental place…..oh yeah, but I don’t have a ride. Dammit.

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Hey, follow me on Twitter at @RennerCat or on Facebook at http://facebook.com/whydothevoicesinmyheadsoundliketheavengers ! I’d love to hear from you! ❤

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