Well, here I am again.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 6 months since my ex walked out. In all three marriages I haven’t seen so much blatant disregard for one’s spouse as I have in this one. I have not had one word from him since he left two days after Thanksgiving. I guess the other two had been much more independent and mature, and hadn’t run home to their momma’s so it makes some sense that he hasn’t contacted me. His mom and dad most likely have threatened him if he calls or visits me, and he is such a wimp and mostly does whatever they’ve brainwashed him to, that I am sure he has already found some little Spanish woman to chat with that meets more with mommy’s approval.
I really don’t miss him, his annoying ways of making me feel more like his ‘mom’ than a wife. You see, he had been beaten up in 1992, and has forever become a grown up child. His mother and father refuse to encourage him to act like a responsible adult. His head trauma keeps his mood swings frequent and he has totally lost any idea of reality.
But I am not writing to vent, or give him anymore airtime. I simply needed to state a fact. In reality, I really don’t think I ever missed him,’ just having another person to rely on other than myself. I quite enjoy going to bed whenever I want to and sleeping or not sleeping. I eat when and what I want and can eat things he didn’t like. And when depression keeps me from eating, I don’t have to hear him nagging me! I could never keep enough food in our home, he ate constantly.
OK, so I really AM giving him more airtime. 😦 Enough!
Anyway, I feel happy. Not that I am stuck in this shitty little city, or in this crappy apartment in this shitty state. But happy I can be myself, not being force fed Spanish culture constantly anymore, and free to buy the things I want to. I spent so long here in this place, but always under another person’s rule. First the friend who brought me here, then abandoned me. Then the various other ‘friends’ who have stabbed me in the back, used me, and generally been assholes. I don’t need them. I was and always have been perfectly content being alone. No one bothers me.
Nearly 50 now, I am more content in myself than ever before. I do miss some things, like some one to cuddle with, someone to put lotions on my back, get things off high shelves. Truthfully, if that is all I miss, than I’m better off alone! I don’t miss being on edge all the time. My stomach has not been in knots like before and there is no one thrashing around in bed, kicking me or accidentally hitting me. Head trauma caused him to never remember things, have extreme outbursts, and extreme highs and mania, wanting to blow every cent we had then expect the money fairy to produce more. I have a good chunk of money saved now, I’m not on food stamps anymore, and can bills comfortably. AND, have play money left over.
I guess the point is, if you have a little voice screaming, “Don’t do it,” when you are going to get married, and every fiber of your being is telling you, “this is as good as it’s probably ever going to get”, you should trust your gut. He was always asking me if I loved him, and no matter how I said it, or proved it, it wasn’t ever enough. I never asked him. I didn’t think he really understood what love meant anyway.
When someone says ” if” instead of “when” all the time, that is also a good indication that you have convinced yourself that things will improve.
Guess what? They won’t.
When we are young and stupid and think we are in love, nobody can tell us we aren’t. We wouldn’t hear them. We think we know everything, but the very people telling us we don’t are the people who’ve been there, done that. Now I am the old one and have wisdom, experience and enough scars to build a new person. I could tell my younger self to listen, but would she?
I guess I’ll never know now…But I did look hot today. And he missed out. Oh well.
http://Facebook.com/whydothevoicesinmyheadsoundliketheAvengers—
Sent from my Android phone with mail.com