Avengers filling in….”Cooking channel wannabes”
Clint: “Hey….uh, how are you? I’m Clint.…”
Bruce: “And I’m Bruce….Banner.”
Clint: I’m pretty sure they know who you are dude.
Bruce: i just thought, you know, if we’re doing this like a cooking show, maybe we should use our last names….
Clint: Okay fine. (deep sigh) “Okay, so I’m Clint Barton, aka: Hawkeye…….and….”
Bruce: Wait, you didn’t say we should say what our superhero names were. Let’s start over.
Clint: Dude please, it’s like a half hour program, we don’t have time for….oh fine, “You may also know him as “the Hulk”….
Bruce: Thanks for stealing my thunder…
Clint: No, that would be Thor. And he’s not here. So can we just do this??
Bruce: Okay fine, but we need to work on our communication skills later ok? How are we supposed to be co-hosting if we don’t communicate?
Clint: Do you want to do this or not?
Bruce : Yes. Sorry.
Clint: “Anyway, we are here, sort of filling in for Cat because well, she had a little too much wine during our last segment, and we felt really bad that we didn’t get to make the cheesecake. So we are here to demonstrate how to make a cheesecake for you. We know we aren’t on tv, but thought we’d actually put this in her blog for her, so we just decided to….
Tony: Hey, what’s going on? What’s with the laptop? Are you two surfing for porn again? Cat‘s going to kill you…..
Clint: NO We are NOT surfing for porn! We are doing a cooking show for Cat. Well, we are writing her next blog entry as if it were a cooking show.
Tony: How do I look? Is my tie straight?
Bruce: You can’t be on it. Just us. And no one sees you on the internet….
Clint: That’s right. It’s a show, and there’s usually a host and/or a co-host, which is Bruce. Now go away so we can get on with it.
Tony: Fine. I’ll go start my own tv show. I’ll call it “The awesome rich and powerful Tony Stark – aka: IRON MAN“.
Bruce: Maybe this was a bad idea. Shouldn’t we go see if Cat‘s okay? She was pretty green last time I checked.
Clint: You just couldn’t wait to say that could you?
Bruce: Nope. And now I have.
Clint: “Okay, let’s try this again. Hopefully we won’t have any more commercial interruptions.”
Clint: “We apologize for that folks. So we have decided in our lovely little kitchen here that we will prepare the cheesecake according to the instructions.
Bruce: It comes from a box?
Clint: Yes. It comes from a box. It’s a “Jello no bake cheesecake.”
Bruce: Well, I thought it would be from scratch. I’m a scientist, I think I could have done the kind you make without a box.
Clint: Well, she’s poor and this is what she bought. And it tastes pretty good. “So, can you tell me what we’ll need Bruce?”
Bruce: “Yes I can, Clint. (fake smile) For the cheesy filling you will need a bowl, and 1 and 1/2 cups of cold milk. You will also need the packet from inside the box marked ‘Filling’. “
Clint: “Here is our bowl. What else do we need Bruce?”
Bruce: “For the crust, you will need a pie pan at least 8 inches in diameter, and 2 tablespoons of sugar, and 5 tablespoons of butter or margarine, melted.”
Clint: How do we melt it?
Bruce: I don’t know. I thought you knew?
Clint: How about the microwave?
Bruce: Have you used one lately?
Clint: No, but how hard can it be? You just put the pie tin in there, and push the ‘on’ button. When you look in the window and it’s melted it’s done!
Bruce: You can’t put the pie tin into the microwave. You will blow it up. And then Cat and I will both kill you. Here, grab one of those plastic ones. Put the butter in it and put it in for 30 seconds.
Clint: How do I measure a Table-spoon?
Bruce: I think she has some little measuring spoons in the drawer.
Clint: Ok. Well one is marked ‘tsp’ and one is marked ‘Tbsp’. So what the hell does that mean?
Bruce: The one that says ‘tsp’ is the smaller one. It means TEASPOON. The other, bigger one that says ‘Tbsp’ means TABLESPOON. So, get that big one full of butter five times. Got it? (smirks)
Clint: This shit is so technical. How the hell do people do this for a living? I’m just lucky I’m a decent looking guy or I’d be in trouble…..
Bruce: “Okay, so once your butter is melted, go ahead and mix it in the bowl with the sugar and crust mix from the packet.”
Clint: I can’t get it off my spoon. It’s sticky as hell. What do I do?
Bruce: Um, lick it off?
Clint: Oh man, this is freaking delicious!
Bruce: Hey! Don’t put that spoon back into the bowl! Wash it off first!
Clint: Sorry. “Okay Bruce, we are done mixing up the crust and butter and sugar. What should we do now?”
Bruce: “Gently pat the crust mix into the pan, spreading it evenly and covering the sides. Press firmly to cover the pan.”
Clint: You said, “gently” then you said “firmly.” Make up your mind.
Bruce: Stop licking your fingers.
Clint: Sorry, here taste this stuff.
Bruce: Mmmmm. That is good. It’ll be good to get a little IN the pan tho…..
Clint: Okay, done. “Now we will wash the bowl out so we can use it to make the filling!”
Bruce: “That’s right, Clint. Pour your one and one-half cups of cold milk into the bowl. Then add the filling mix.”
Clint: Um, what’s a “one and one half cup?
Bruce: Do you ever step foot into a kitchen?
Clint: Um, no. I eat out or I make toast.
Bruce: Why am I not surprised?
Clint: Ok, so are you going to help or what?
Bruce: In that cupboard, she has a cup that has markings on it. Get it out, and pour the milk to the 1 and 1/2 cup mark.
Clint: Okay. Done. Now what? Pour it in here?
Bruce: Yes. Good. Now empty that packet marked “Filling” into the milk and whisk it up.
Clint: What the hell is a “whisk”?
Bruce: (hand palm) That wiry looking thing in there. Here, just let me do it…..
Clint: NO! I’M DOING IT. Get your paws out of there! (flying batter)
Bruce: “Okay so when you have mixed the filling up and there are no more dry parts in it, it should be thick and then you pour it into your crust. Spread it out evenly and refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving it.”
Clint: “Great! And in one hour we will have a cheesecake! Hurray. Thanks for watching this f*cked up episode of ‘Cooking with Clint and Bruce!”
Bruce: You mean “Bruce and Clint“.
Clint: No, I don’t. I mean Clint and Bruce.
Bruce: Whatever. I just want to go to bed.
Clint: Hey! Wait up! Do you think we will get an Emmy or something for this? Or like, I don’t know, maybe hazard pay? Food product endorsements?
Bruce: Highly unlikely. Go and clean the pudding off the ceiling. I’m done. Call me in an hour.
Clint: (muttering under his breath) Yeah, we’ll see. I can be the next Gordon Ramsay! I have a foul mouth…..I can scream at people too y’know……This cheesecake is going to be epic…..Hope Cat can eat it without throwing up…