Cooking class #2

Living the good life…..Sort of.

I’ve spent the week relishing the fact I can shop for food without food stamps, and I can afford what I want. Unfortunately what I have wanted are things that are not necessarily healthy. When you give a man a fish…..well you get it. I know how to fish, so I can catch my own dinner, and clean it, fillet it and cook it too. The problem, if you choose to see it as one, is I have no one to cook for anymore but me. And I don’t like cooking as much as I used to. I have watched cooking shows since the days of the Galloping Gourmet and Julia Child. I have burnt more than my share of simple things, thrown away countless pots of crap which even a dog wouldn’t touch. And I’ve learned. I learned to create foods even a chef would appreciate. I say “appreciate” but not so much the prettiest food to eat. Taste was more important than fancy. I can’t get how all these new shows are so big on “presentation”. Who gives a flying fart what it looks like? If it’s that pretty give it a name and send it out for a job. To me, the whole “tiny baby asparagus with Hollandaise coulee” or whatever is stupid. It’s freaking vegetables with butter sauce. Don’t give me this crap and charge ridiculous prices to eat it. It’s FOOD, and it is supposed to nourish your body, make a poop and be something to be replaced at the next meal. I cook simple, good food, and no one has ever died from it. That’s good enough for me.


Me: Hey guys…..uh and Nat. Want to cook something tonight?

Clint: What did you have in mind?

Bruce: Please nothing bloody. We’re still cleaning up the last mess with the liver.

Me: Oh no, no more liver for awhile. I have to use up some vegetables and I bought some shrimp. I thought we could stir fry, Well, sort of stir fry considering I don’t have a Wok. Ooooh, and I have that Cheesecake mix I bought so we can have a nice dessert too!

Thor: A what? A walk? How is walking going to help?

Tony: (Eye roll) Wok. W-O-K. It’s a medieval torture device.

Bruce: No it isn’t.

Tony: The people cooking in those kitchen in Chinatown might disagree. Have you seen how hot those suckers get?

Cap: I am still lost, what are we talking about here?

Bruce: A Wok, is a rounded pan used for cooking  Asian food. People use them on a flame so they get very hot and you can cook food fast without losing a lot of the taste or nutrients. They also use them to fry foods or steam.

Tony: Well, you’re just a wok-ing dictionary tonight aren’t you? (grins at Bruce)

Cap: I got that joke. Wok-ing, instead of Walk-ing….cute.

Bruce: What…..I like to learn things. there’s nothing wrong with knowledge….

Clint: It’s more than knowledge, it’s truth.

Nat: What? Clint what are you talking about?

Clint: Something Selvig said once….thought it was appropriate. Never mind.

Me: Okay, so can we get back to the “cooking channel”? Commercial break is over now….

Clint: Sure hun, go ahead. We’re all ears…

Tony: Ass kisser….(grins)

Clint: Shut up. At least I show interest. You’re always being mean. She is trying to give us a chance out of here for an hour or so and all you do is make life difficult for all of us.

Tony: You want to go a few rounds Legolas?

Me: Guys! Stop fighting! You’re giving me another headache. Sheesh. And Tony, stop calling him that.

Tony: Why? You still have a Legolas pillow case on the bed.

Me: I am so not into him anymore. It just happens to stay on better and by the way I cover it with another one so you can’t even see it! And Clint is way hotter than fancy pants Legolas anyway. (Clint grins)

Bruce: She’s so over Orlando Bloom so let’s not go there ok?

Me: That’s right. Have been for over 6 years now. Let’s move on shall we?

Bruce: Okay. What are we using then?

Me: Large red frying pan, with a lid.

Tony: Got it. This sucker is heavy. Must be made of the same thing as Thor’s hammer…

Me: Now, we need to clean the shrimp, which I have placed in the sink to thaw. Clint, start taking off the shrimps’ pants please.

Clint: Huh? What? Wait a minute, we didn’t say this was an X-rated meal….and I’m not into dudes, contrary to those weird memes people make of me….

Me: Ha ha ha ….no silly. Sorry, I should explain. When I lived in Georgia, we went shrimping with a friend once. She told me in the South that they call it “taking off the pants.” You peel down the middle of the stomach of the shrimp, then pull off the “jacket” as they called the top part, then the part attached to the tail was called the “pants” and you pull that off last. See?

Clint: Awww, that’s so cute. Look at that, we’re undressing shrimp in Cat’s kitchen. I feel so dirty!

Me: Ok, you keep doing your thing there, and Bruce, you and Cap can start cutting up the onions and carrots, and Tony can do the celery. Nat, you just stand there and be useless as usual……I mean, keep things from falling on the floor.

Thor: And what shall I do?

Me: You can start on the noodles. Get a pot out and fill it with water and put it on to boil.

(as I stand back, I am amazed that they are doing much better than the previous lesson, nothing is being tossed…..Oops, I spoke to soon.…)

Cap: Hey! Stop it, I almost cut myself Tony.

Tony: Sorry, didn’t mean to hit an old man.

Cap: You know that “joke” is getting old too.

Me: Tony, if you keep picking on everyone, you’re going back into my head. No food for you.

Tony: Sorry mom, I will try to behave myself.

Clint: This is fun! I love this!

Nat: Stinks. The shrimp stink. How can you touch that Clint?

Clint: Just think how good it will taste.

Tony: Okay, all vegetables are sliced, uniformly and proportionately to the size and dimensions you ordered.

Bruce: And you call me a walking dictionary…Who’s trying to kiss ass now?

Clint: How about that wine you bought the other day? You want some Cat? Might help you relax a little….

Me: Oh yeah! I forgot about that.

Clint: I’ll get you some, I’m finished humiliating these shrimp….Uh, Okay, you bought Merlot, Cabernet Souvignon in the little bottles, and Zinfandel in the big one. Which do you want?

Me: Well the little ones were to try because I don’t know how they taste, so get them all out. Let me try one of the little ones first.

Clint: Here you go…..

Me: (swigging from tiny bottle of Cabernet) Blech! That’s gross! Give me the other one!

Clint: Uh, okay….I could get you a glass you know……

Me: Blech! That one is worse. Let’s open the Zinfandel And I’ll take a gasss. (swigging another gulp of Merlot, just to be sure)…..Tsis stuff isn’t bad bad bad……jus a little to dwy.

Clint: What? Here, Here’s your Zinfandel…….Hey, where’s all the Merlot?

Me: Hmm…..dunnnow……Wath there a min…….mmmm thith one ith much bether……

Bruce: Cat, out of curiosity, did you eat anything today?

Me: Thinks soo..whyeeeeee?

Bruce: She’s getting plastered on half a glass of wine…..(chuckling)

Clint: Uh yeah, and she’s freaking cute as hell when she’s drunk.

Tony: Uh, how are we supposed to know what to do next guys? I have no idea how to cook this…….stuff.

Bruce: Let’s see, she took out some frozen broccoli, so I am guessing we put that in too, and then the bean sprouts and then maybe the shrimp?

Me: Amd Wiiiiiiines! Must add winesss to it toooooo. And soy saouce! Sauce! Whatever it is! Bartender, more WINES!!!!

Clint: Okay honey, why don’t you just go sit over there and we’ll take care of it…..good grief, she hasn’t drunk wine in months…and seems to be completely sloshed now…..

Tony: You know, this would be the opportune time for us to make a break for it… know, get out for good……?

Bruce: Now why would we want to do that? (Chucking while stirring in the veggies and shrimp)

Tony:  Well, it’s an option…..I’m just sayin…..

Clint  (helping me to the couch) Nah, we’re here for the long haul. Besides, she’s going to need someone to hold her hair back when she’s puking her brains out tomorrow……

Me: You knowwwww wha CLimt? You has weaally pwitty eyes……

Clint: So do you sweetheart. But you won’t remember a thing later except the inside of the toilet bowl…..And Thor, keep your damn hammer off it this time. I’m not cleaning up any more messes tonight.

Thor: Understood. No Mjolnir on the toilet.

Me: Tony!!!!! More Wimmmmeeeee! Bring me wime!

Tony: I think you’ve had enough for now. Maybe late ok? Good lord she is definitely a happy camper……

Bruce: Hey, this looks pretty good. Who wants to try it first?

Cap: I will. I’ll try anything once.

Tony: Except sex……still a virgin.

Cap: Shut up Stark.

Bruce: Didn’t she say something about Cheesecake too?

Clint: trust me, she won’t notice…


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