When I moved with my ex into our building, 4 1/2 years ago, it was brand spanking new. It is supposed to be the first “all green” building in El Paso. The floors are recycled (crap), the water is recycled (crap water, literally), the roof has solar panels, the materials are all recycled (crap). The walls are supposedly thick and you can’t hear people talking, but you can hear them walking across the ceiling, which is because of the (crap) recycled floor tiles, which are, in case I didn’t mention it, CRAP. Ugly ass beige and easily scratched, hard as hell to keep clean, and every clomp clomp clomp from the woman above makes me cringe. The woman above me, aka: “clomps a lot”, has a habit of moving furniture daily, which makes me want to scream. She drops a damn hanger and I hear it resonate throughout the room I’m in.
The “baseboards” are rubber (crap) strips of well….rubber I guess, and not one of them is still attached to the wall because the morons don’t know how to use adhesive properly, and I have finally given in to nailing the little shits in place myself. The shower head (crap) is a low water type which basically is like washing your hair with a squirt bottle, and we aren’t allowed to change them to a “real” shower head. The front door and back door of the building are replacements, because the previous 5 have been broken more times than I can count, and repaired, and finally just replaced, again. The exterior “safety” lights rarely come on, or work, and no one replaces them. The refrigerator (crap) is the cheapest piece of (crap) I have ever seen, the drawer made of plastic and split down the middle when I accidentally attempted to put actual size food into it. And it leaks, constantly, freezes everything you put into it, or drips and freezes them. I had 2 occasions where I filled old Perrier water bottles (green glass) and put them in to get cold. In the middle of the night I heard a horrendous explosion and couldn’t figure out what it was. The following day there was green freakin glass on, in and around every damn thing in the fridge. And the fridge/freezer is small, you can’t expect to buy any normal size food, because you will be cramming it into the damn thing.
Things were okay as far as dealing with all of these things, until one fateful day, a new resident moved across the hall from me. He has a nasty habit of diving into the dumpster, and bringing in every damn thing he believes is “fixable” and leaving trails of dirt in the halls. And that’s not all he brought home.
Tony: Did you see that?
Bruce: No, what?
Tony: Never mind, I must be tired. If she doesn’t get some sleep soon we’re all going to loopy-er….
Bruce: She just can’t seem to find a way to get to sleep. She could take a pill, but you know how she feels about that.
Tony: Yeah, I think her paranoia is keeping her from taking them. Afraid of never waking up or something.
Bruce: It must be scary when you’ve lived with someone for a while and suddenly you’re on your own again. She’s afraid of something happening to her and no one will find her or be able to call for help. I guess I can understand…
Clint: What the hell? Why is she up again? She just went to bed like an hour ago.
Tony: Not sure. She’s drinking coffee though so no chance she’ll sleep anytime soon.
Bruce: Last night she had some weird dreams and woke herself up.
Clint: Yeah but that was only after 6 outfit changes in the night.
Bruce: Her knees were cold. Poor woman needs an electric blanket. It’s been damn cold lately.
Tony: Well, she could shut off the fan, close the window and maybe it would help.
Bruce: She can’t sleep without a fan. Says she needs “air flow” or something. Plus the sound is like white noise, it helps her to sleep. But then…..
Clint: She isn’t sleeping!
Tony: Well, she did close the window and turn on the heat….once.
Bruce: Not lately. The air is so damn dry she can’t stop coughing. The heat makes it worse.
Thor: Good morning. Why is it dark out?
Clint: Because it’s not morning. Not really….yet.
Tony: Damn, there it is again!
Clint: What? What is “it”?
Tony: I don’t know, I keep seeing something moving.
Clint: She’s moving. She’s up……she’s searching. For what I wonder? She seems pretty freaked out.
Me: Damnit damnit damnit!
Thor: What is disturbing you Cat?
Me: Damn little buggers! Hate the damn things! HATE THEM!
Clint: What do you hate? What?
Me: ROACHES. Damn,
fucking @#$%^&**! roaches!
Clint: Oh. OH. UHOH.
Me: Where is the Raid??? WHERE IS THE RAID!??!!
Bruce: You usually stomp on them.
Me: Yeah, but this little bastard went into the stove. Way down in. HA! Found it. I will make sure he can’t come out without a lovely surprise! Take that you little shit!!!
Clint: And now we wait……..
Cap: GOOOOOD Morning everyone! How are we all today?!
Tony: Look out the window old timer.
Cap: Huh? Oh ok. Wait, why is it dark out? And why is Cat running around with a can of spray?
Clint: It’s roach spray. She’s on a mission. That bastard doesn’t stand a chance. The second he steps his six feet out from that stove, he’s going to start sputtering.
Cap: I wonder if we all won’t die before that roach does….cough cough…..she used enough of it.
Tony: Nice haze in here. Reminds me of my college days…..and well, every day before I came here.
Me: I am so tired of this. I spray and spray and they come back. Next door refuses to spray, and the old man across the hall is probably crawling with them. Even the exterminator visits aren’t helping. These must be apocalypse roaches.
Cap: Apocalypse roaches?
Bruce: Roaches that have built up a tolerance to poison and will probably survive the apocalypse. Nothing will survive but roaches so the theory goes.
Cap: That doesn’t sound very good.
Tony: You won’t care, you’ll be dead…..again.
Tony: Don’t tell Cat, but the little bugger just came out of the stove……
Me: WHAT??? WHERE??!
Tony: I always forget she hears us, not just the other way around…..Um, over by the fridge. He doesn’t look like it’s affecting him.
Clint: Nope, he’s just having a look around.
Me: What the hell?! This stuff used to kill them instantly! Now I will have to deal with it in my bare feet. UGH.
Clint: USE THE POTHOLDER! GET HIM CAT!
Cap: I swear I heard it laughing as it ran back into the stove. Sounded like, “HA HA, your foolish attempts to thwart me have failed human!”
Tony: You inhaled quite a bit of that spray didn’t you Cap?
Clint: Nah, he’s just finally lost it. We will all lose it eventually, being in this head all the time.
Me: God damnit! Come back out here and face me you insolent creature! Fight like a man, well, like a roach! Make your kind proud and face me now! I will get you my little ugly and your whole damn family too!
Clint: Yeah, I think the spray is affecting Cat more than the roach. She’s going to be on her back with her feet in the air soon…..
Tony: CAT CAT CAT! It’s over here! Damn, get that thing away from us! He’s by your foot!
Me: (Splat) HA! That’s what you get you dirty little bastard! I have won! You have lost the battle! I hope your relatives all cry for you and take this as a warning! I will kill every last one of you!
Cap: Good, can we go back to bed now?……(yawn)
Me: Are you joking? They never come one at a time. I have to wait for the rest of them!
Thor: You have fought well Catherine. You have earned a badge of honor for your perseverance and bravery. Your forefathers would be proud. You may even be worth of Mjolinor.
Natasha: What the hell is with all the screaming? You woke me up.
Clint: Cat killed a roach. It was epic.
Natasha: Damn, I thought we were at war or something. Why doesn’t she just spray?
Tony: Bruce, control yourself…..remember how crowded it is in here.
Bruce: Grrrrr…….ha ha gotcha.
Me: Hey, since we’re up…..I may as well check Facebook. The page is doing great!
Clint: That’s because people love you. You’re hilarious!
Me: Thanks. I have a question for you guys….and Nat.
Tony: Okay, shoot. We’re up now…..what the hell….
Me: Well, you know that Marvel has decided to bring Spiderman into the mix with you guys….and….
Natasha: Yeah, we know, you hate spiders. He’s not actually a spider you know? He’s just a guy in a suit. Who throws webs from his hands and crawls up walls…..and has super hearing and awesome reflexes….
Clint: I don’t think you’re helping your case Nat.
Me: Well, it’s just that, well, I like things like they are. Just you guys and no one else. I don’t want Spiderman in my head. I don’t care how much people like him, he’s just not my favorite you know? I’ve come to know you all so well, and well, I just don’t see how he would benefit us. If anything, he’ll make me more paranoid. Can we all just agree that he doesn’t join us?
Tony: Agreed. No Spiderman in your head. Got it.
Bruce: I agree too. I don’t see how he can be useful. And I’d get tired of him cob webbing the place. It’s hard enough with Thor’s hair all over the place.
Thor: My hair is no concern of yours. I agree Catherine, this Spiderman should not be allowed. The accommodations are small enough in here as it is.
Cap: I’d kinda like to meet him personally…….(Clint slaps him) but of course, no no no, he’s not ever going to be in here with us.
Natasha: I really could use a backup here……..(Cap slaps her) Ow! Damn Cap! What the hell?
Clint: No Spiderman. We already have Nat, and she’s all Cat can handle.
Me: Just the same, I’m keeping the Raid handy….just in case. Loki manages to sneak in all the time, I don’t want that damn Spiderman in here…..