Cooking class #1
While making dinner tonight I was wondering how the gang would take to having a cooking class. This is just class #1. It may be class # 1 forever due to their over- enthusiasm, unruly behavior and down right messiness. But sometimes I just have to let them out to play.
Me: Hey guys…uh and Nat, how about we learn to cook tonight?
Tony: Um, what will be on the menu?
Me: Liver with onions and bacon.
Tony: Ugh. Liver? Seriously? How about we make bacon and onions and leave out the liver?
Bruce: Liver is good for you Tony. Try something new.
Thor: I agree. You should expand your palate my friend! I would enjoy learning to cook your Midgardian foods!
Clint: I am not eating liver. It’s gross.
Natasha: Me either.
Bruce: I don’t generally eat meat, but I’ll give it a try.
Cap: Doesn’t sound too healthy.
Me: This is not about healthy. This is about learning to cook and getting dirty in the kitchen. Plus it’s pretty bloody Clint, you’ll love it.
Clint: Okay, you’ve convinced me. I’m in. But only because you said “dirty”, and “bloody”.
Bruce: (Chuckling) Come on Tony, this could be fun.
Tony: Oh yeah, all of us smashed into her tiny kitchen? We’ll all be tripping over her, and Thor’s hammer.
Thor: Do not worry my friend. I have placed it on the toilet so it will not be in the way.
Tony: You do realize that does not benefit us don’t you?
Thor: Why not? It is not in your way here, so I thought you would be pleased.
Tony: Yeah, but if someone has to pee they will have to call you to remove it. Or maybe Cap can wiggle it enough to knock it off…..
Me: That settles it. Anyone who said ‘no’ is over-ruled. We’re going to cook! This should be awesome!
Bruce: So what do we do first? Who do you want to do what? We need a plan.
Me: Okay, so first we need to get all the ingredients together. We need to get the liver out of the freezer, the bacon from the fridge, and the onions.
Tony: Okay, here you go. Got them. Now what?
Me: Okay, Bruce, you slice up the onion on that cutting board. Tony, you slice up the liver and put it into that container. Clint, get the flour and pour some into that saucer, and Thor, slice up that bacon.
Thor: It’s very sticky. And the counter is very small. And my hands do not understand how to do this. On my world I do not cook. I eat.
Tony: Here, just do it like this. Smaller pieces. We’re not Vikings here, some of us use a fork to eat with. Tourist…
(Thor shoots a dirty look at Tony, then breaks into a grin. Tony breathes again and is thrilled he has made Thor smile.)
Bruce: This onion is making me want to cry. <sniff>
Me: (Giggling) Oh come on, it’s one small onion. You can manage. Okay, I’m going to let Natasha pour the oil into the frying pan while we get the liver ready.
Tony: Here Clint. Start flouring this stuff. (His fingers are gooey with blood, and he makes claws with them, shoving them into Clint’s face and giggling. Clint grins back and a shoving match ensues, blood is being flicked from one to the other, and Clint smears his fingers into Tony’s face. )
Clint: You want the liver dipped into the flour? Oh god it’s so bloody. I love it. (Clint takes the pieces of liver from Tony and throws them down into the flour with so much force that a huge plume of flour goes into the air, and everyone begins coughing and sputtering.)
Me: UGHHH! You have flour all over the place Clint! Damn, I just cleaned! And look at you guys! You’re all covered in blood and flour now!
Clint: What?! It’s fun you said. I’m having fun! (throwing flour at Tony)
Tony: Hey! I’m a ghost! I’m a bloody ghost! Phfppppt. (Spitting out flour)
Me: You have blood all over the place…it looks like a massacre in here!
Clint: Buwahaaahhaaaa! I murdered a liver! (holding up liver and squishing it between his fingers, blood oozing from it and acting like a 12 year old. Tony laughs and punches him in the arm, liver blood goes flying all over the counter, cupboards and everyone in the room.) Um, ooops.
Me: I swear….men in my kitchen…..what was I thinking?
Bruce: How bout these onions? Did they come out all right?
Me: They look good, but um, you have some in your hair. Were you trying out a new look?
Bruce: Sorry, all that blood was getting me a little nervous. Maybe I should stay away from Clint and Tony. This used to be one of my nice shirts….
Me: We’re almost done. Okay, Nat, once that’s hot, start frying the liver but don’t overcook it. Just flip it over gently and then drain it on the paper towels. Bruce, go ahead and start that rice now okay?
Natasha: This smells funny.
Me: No comment.
Tony: We could do that scene from Hannibal……Fava beans anyone?
Me: Ew. Hated that movie. Gross. Bet they used liver blood in that too.
Tony: Do you suppose this cow had a drinking problem? This liver doesn’t look healthy. It’s all white…
Me: It has flour on it Tony. It’s supposed to look that way.
Tony: Oh…. Hey, Natasha! Watch that oil! You got it all over me when it splattered! Ouch! Good thing it didn’t hit Bruce!
Natasha: Sorry! I’m trying to throw it in without actually having to touch it….
Bruce: It’s okay. I wouldn’t have come into the kitchen if I couldn’t handle ….boiling hot liquid things….
Clint: Now where’s the fun in that?! Get your hands dirty! That’s the fun part. Toss it in there like you mean it! Pretend you’re Julia Child! (mimics Julia Child’s voice)
Me: Ugh….The whole kitchen is covered in flour, oil, blood, and onions. I can’t imagine baking a cake with you guys…Did you actually get any of it into the pan?
Natasha:Yeah, I think so.
Thor: What animal do these things come from?
Tony: The liver comes from a cow. Remember seeing those when we visited the farm? Mooo?
Thor: Those large creatures that were making large….
Clint: Cow patties. Yup, that was them. I still haven’t gotten it all off my boots…
Bruce: That explains the smell……
Thor: And this sticky substance? What is it?
Clint: That’s bacon. It comes from a pig.
Thor: So many animals in one meal. I hope they did not call each other friend. It would be so sad if they were raised together, played together, and were slaughtered together.
Tony: Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure they are all together in heaven now.
Thor: You mean Valhalla. I don’t believe the animals are permitted to enter Valhalla.
Bruce: Aw, that’s too bad, keep cutting please, I’m falling behind. We can discuss animal rights and morality later ok? I’m starving. This is starting to smell good.
Natasha: Ok, the liver is done. Now what? I have to pee…
Me: Drain the liver, put it on the paper to get the grease out, and then wipe the pan. Then we can start throwing this other stuff in. Okay Clint, grab some of that bacon from Thor and add it to the pan, then some onions from Bruce’s pile, and hair, and add those too.
Natasha: Can I leave now? I want to puke…and I still have to pee….
Me: Fine. Big black widow is afraid of a liver. I’ll remember that the next time I squish one of your relatives….
Natasha: I am not afraid of it. It’s just that I feel like we’re cooking up a body in here. Blood everywhere…
Clint: Oooooh Can I have Nat’s job now?
Me: Sure. See guys, someone is excited about cooking with me. I knew this would be fun!
Tony: Okay, my job is done. Now what? I need a direction, give me something to do damnit! I need to be busy!
Me: Just wait. Clint go ahead and stir everything up good. Once the bacon is cooked we put the liver back into the pan and mix it all together.
Bruce: No vegetables? Is there anything healthy at all in this?
Tony: Phhft. No we don’t need them. There are some green onions in the rice, if that helps you live with yourself.
Bruce: (Grins) Guess we can count that. They are green after all. My favorite color….not.
Cap: Apparently no one missed me.
Bruce: It’s not that Steve, we just didn’t have any room left for you. Sorry. You can set the table though.
Cap: That’s okay. I’ll just start cleaning up this mess….(Cap grabs a sponge and begins trying to remove the blood, oil and flour from the cabinets, floor, stove, sink, and uh…Clint.)
Clint: NO! Don’t touch the blood! I don’t want to clean the blood! My blood has been spilled for Midgardians everywhere! I love the blood!
Thor: Clint have you been drinking my mead again?
Clint: No, why?
Thor: You are apparently suffering from madness. Let us clean this mess up for Cat. You will begin to smell like a dead sea serpent soon.
Cap: I got it Thor. Yuck…..you guys don’t know how to cook. (Crusts of dried floured blood has attached itself to the ceiling, and Cap can’t seem to get it off without covering everyone, and himself with it.) And Dr. Banner, you still have some onion in your hair. Might want to go take care of that.
Me: Okay, now just add a cup of that water and the bullion cube Clint. Then we’re done. We’ll let that simmer a little while the rice cooks. Good grief…I will be picking crap out of my hair for a month.
Natasha: It’s not bad. I just close my eyes and imagine its steak.
Clint: Love it! Bacon-y!
Bruce: Not bad. We did a pretty good job. I may have to rethink this vegetarian thing. And it was actually fun!
Tony: I still can’t believe Clint still has blood all over himself. Dude, seriously, go clean up. You look like you just escaped from a Halloween movie.
Clint: Blood! Arrrgh! I feel like a warrior! I wear my badge of honor upon my shirt! (Clint is holding up a piece of liver speared on his fork, shaking it up to the ceiling in defiance. he plunges it into his mouth and stabs at another piece like it’s a beast he’s determined to kill.)
Thor: Yes my friend , you have murdered a liver. You are quite brave indeed. This food is delicious. I enjoyed cooking with my friends! But there is still blood on the ceiling. And all over everyone in the room. I hope you are pleased with your victory.
Cap: I would have preferred a cheeseburger but this is okay I guess.
Me: I’m not so sure we’ll be cooking again together anytime soon. And Clint, you didn’t kill the liver, Tony did. But glad you wore it proudly. Now go change your clothes. You’re never going to get that out…
Clint: Aw……come on….In Avengers all the blood was black and didn’t even look scary. Just once I wish I could have gotten bloody in this movie.
Cap: The blood on me was red in my scenes..Because it was mine. I am a red-blooded American. I guess they thought I deserved it more than you. (He shoots a glare at Clint who glares back) And I had more screen time than you….
Clint: (Stabs at the air near Cap with his fork and sticks out his tongue.) At least I’m not a 90 something year old virgin.
Tony: Yes Cap. You are all American….And a virgin. Now eat your ‘all American liver’….and onions…..and bacon.
Bruce: So Cat, when are we going to do this again? It was nice to get out for a change.
Me: Let’s see, I think a good month to get all this crap off the ceiling……maybe we’ll do bread next time….
Clint: Aw, no blood?
Tony: No, flour. Lots and lots of flour……and that will be fun. (mimics Julia Child, Clint chimes in….)
Natasha: I still have to pee.
Clint: Why didn’t you go already?
Thor: Ooops. Sorry…..I think I forgot something.….