Days run into weeks, weeks roll into months. It’s hard to believe the journey I have been on for over 2 months now, and still not a word from my ex. Each day is pretty much the same, just existence, just surviving. One day I will barely be out of bed long enough to blow my nose from countless tears and eat something, check my messages and Facebook, then crawl back into it to warm up and shut the world out. On other days I feel invincible. At least suicide has not entered my mind this time around. I have refused to let it into my thoughts. I read constantly, filing over the countless posts about depression, anxiety and other various illnesses, and most times I find comfort in them, sometimes I find them too hard to read, too close to places I cannot venture. I recently had to write a quick note to one of the page owners, telling her, “I like you page, but I cannot follow it. The posts are just too much for me to bear right now, my heart is still broken and the stories just bring up too many things I don’t want to think about.” She seemed to understand. I find myself being more careful now, as I see sharing my story and others often is a trigger for me, and causes me more pain than I can handle. So many times I want to scream from the rooftop how angry I am, sometimes I want to turn into the Hulk and just growl and smash things. I dream of being IronMan, flying away to anywhere I want, and never looking back. But I’m just me, a lowly human who has no superpowers, no escape plan.
I sleep in 3’s. Three hours on, sometimes three hours off. My body is paying for it, I have been ill on and off, feeling cold most of the time, which is usually a sign of anxiety for me. I feel shaky and lost, cry at silly things and sad things, happy things and at nothing at all. Last night, before the Superbowl, which I didn’t watch, but checked scores from time to time, there was an ad which was about a little boy who would never grow up because he died from drowning in a bathtub. I found it totally out of the blue, totally inappropriate and ill timed. It often seems that people suddenly give a shit about things when celebrities endorse them or denounce them, but the rest of the time no one cares. Being politically correct is on and off, and if you are a celeb, you can either say just the “right” thing and get a billion people to listen, or say one wrong thing and they turn on you in an instant. The world is full of chaos one minute and happy go lucky the next. A few weeks ago, everyone hated the president, and now he seems to have gained the upper hand. Either way, my life still sucks, while the rest of the world continues to spin on.
I am still angry. I am still hurt. I still reach for
him in the night, hoping that it’s all a bad dream and he will be there. But he isn’t. I see something on the internet I would have shared with him in the past that would make him laugh hysterically and we would have shared that moment, but he’s not here to tell it to. I hear my phone ring and briefly hope it may be him, apologizing, but it’s a salesman. No texts, no calls, no dramatic music playing as he screams my name outside my window begging me to forgive him. It’s just not happening. What is happening, is noise. The neighbors are getting on my last nerve. Moving furniture, stomping up and down the stairs, and hammering are just the beginning of my hell. The other night around midnight I was panning through my Facebook stuff, trying to finish up a post, and a woman (either from our building or somewhere else) insisted on talking on her cell outside my window. She kept yapping on and on in Spanish, and seemed like she was merely a foot from my window. At one point I jumped because I didn’t hear her approach, and suddenly she was talking again, and I nearly had a panic attack. I finally took my cell, my keys and went out to investigate, and no one was there. I have been overly jumpy lately, not for drinking coffee, I have actually cut back, but just because my nerves are on edge. I have been getting dizzy lately too, and noise has been hard for me to deal with. I just don’t want to do things I normally do, the routine seems so useless but necessary. I am flat broke, my bank account again in the red. My only solace is that I have completed a new lease and with only my name on it, my rent has decreased by $112. Small consolation after losing so much else. But I take it in stride. I keep on “plugging along” as my mother used to say. She has been my rock, checking in daily on Facebook, reading my new blog there, and helping me to cope. She doesn’t give false thoughts, false promises. She actually sounds like maybe we will be together again, though I think she knows I can’t do this again. I’m forty-nine. My health is not good and I am not looking to “find” someone again. I can’t be anything but bitter now, and angry. And hurt.
I found a blessing in the internet. I have created a new blog on Facebook, one with this same name, linking them together in hopes to find readers and comfort. In less than a week I am up to 30 followers and people who seem to share my pain in some way. I have found some interesting people, some people I would never have associated with otherwise, and some laughs along the way. In discussing my thoughts, others have responded, both on Facebook and also Twitter. People want to talk about depression, they want their voices to be heard, same as mine. I find their humor to be like mine, full of sarcasm and bitterness at times, and they inspire me to create more and more. And of course, associating Jeremy and the Avengers with my page has been a plus. Even my mother clicked “like” on a pic of Jeremy and she has never even seen the movie. We had a good laugh about that. She just wants to be supportive.
Tony: She’s very creative, I’ll give you that.
Bruce: That one was pretty funny. She has a wicked sense of humor.
Thor: I do not care for the one about me. Why do your people constantly make me look like a fool? They make fun of my hair, they laugh at my stunning handsomeness, and they court love with my brother.
Clint: I noticed that Loki appears to have a greater following than any of us, except maybe for Stark.
Cap: And why does everyone think that Stark and I are lovers? I just don’t understand how men can’t be friends without countless pictures of us kissing.
Tony: Uncomfortable, are we?
Cap: Well, uh, yeah. I mean, you and I barely even like each other, and we’re being portrayed as a gay couple. I just don’t understand.
Natasha: Don’t feel bad. If there had been another woman in the movie, which there will be in Avengers 2, they’d have had us hooking up too. Don’t take it personally Cap. We all know you are still the oldest virgin in America.After Avengers 2 comes out they will have me in pictures kissing that Scarlet one. Which is kind of hilarious since my actress’ name is actually Scarlett. But I digress…..
Clint: Well, they have us hooking up too…..
Natasha: Yeah, uh, that’s just not gonna happen either. We are not and will not ever be lovers. Put that out of your mind.
Clint: <sigh> At least Cat loves me….
Bruce: Don’t we get together in this next one?
Natasha: I’m not saying a word.
Cap: Wait, I thought you and I……
Me: Hush gang, I’m trying to finish this.
Tony: Soooooorrry! You didn’t make a meme about me.
Me: Yes I did. The Stark Tower one. Close enough.
Cap: That was pretty good I must say. I like how you took what I said…..and well, made it funny.
Thor: I still fail to find humor in a bag of felines. How are felines in a bag funny? Do they possess some sort of magic?
Bruce: Sorry Thor. It’s just an expression. I didn’t mean to insult you, just Loki. You have to admit, he is pretty crazy.
Thor: Loki’s mind is far afield, but he’s still my brother. And whether or not he’s adopted, he’s adored by your women.
Tony; Yeah, still unclear why. Could the horns have something to do with it? Maybe women have a thing for long horns….
Clint: Two of them. But very pointy.
Thor: I do not understand. What do horns on his helmet have to do with….
Tony: Skip it big guy. It’s a sexual reference you will never understand….
Thor: Oh, wait, I believe you are referring to….
Natasha: GUYS! Enough! Not every woman is interested in “horns” okay? Some of us just like a guy who has honor and treats us like equals.
Me: Seriously, you all need to shut up. I have to go back and fix that last meme now.
Tony: Sorry……my bad.
Me: How about this one? Fury and Clint looking perplexed and talking about Selvig’s pants?
Clint: Now that is funny.
Thor: But Loki had entered into the building at that point.
Clint: Yes, but …..never mind.
Loki: Did I hear my name? Were you missing me?
Clint: No, not really.
Loki: What were you all saying about my horns?
Clint: We were just saying how nice if you impaled yourself on them…..
Me: Done. All are uploaded and shared. Hopefully everyone will like them. That’s about all the wit and humor you will get from me tonight.
Clint: Let’s check the Superbowl score.
Me: Sorry Clint. Your “hawks” just lost…..
Clint: I feel so alone….
Tony: Aw, don’t caw caw……I mean cry. It’s just a game.
Me: According to the internet ratings, this was the most watched Superbowl. Like ever……
Bruce: Well, we didn’t watch it. Nobody cares what we watched.
Me: I know, right? How come no one ever asks my opinion on anything? Hey, we’ve got like 29 followers now! Awesome! I guess talking to you guys in my head is paying off!
Tony: I never would have guessed we’d be so popular just by hanging out in a bag of cats……
Tony: Well, think about it. Depressed woman, crazy person, bag of cats…..you are essentially Loki in disguise.
Me: <sigh> But I don’t have as many fans as him.
Loki: How true. But there’s still time to join my army….
Clint: Loki, get out. Just, just go and play with your scepter or something.
Loki: That’s right. I have a scepter, and I have long horns……jealous?
Clint: No. Not really. I still have Cat, and you will never get her.
Loki: We’ll see…….My fangirls will one day rule this planet, and I will be King!!
Cap: We only have one King, Loki, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that. He is Jesus Christ (angels trumpeting- “hallelujah”), our lord and savior. Now, be gone already.
Tony: Wait……..what? I thought you were talking about me…..