I need my mommy…….but you’ll do.
Watching the Avengers premiering on FX tonight. Even having it on dvd that I can watch whenever I want to, this is good because I can break for pee now and then. And tissues, lots and lots of tissues.
I’ve been crying a lot at night. The waves of emotion come at unexpected times. When I got up around midnight to squash a cockroach in my kitchen, grab some water and use another 6 tissues on my burning eyes, I looked at the pictures on my wall near the bed. Family photos, of my nieces, nephews, cousins, parents and grandparents. It finally occurred to me, in all the years he and I were together, he never looked at them but once. He never asked me about my brothers, my family, my other world. He was never interested in learning my brother’s names, and still can’t recall any of them, even though one is named after my father and grandfather. He never asked anything about our life, or what growing up in New York was like. I often had to bring the subject up myself. “Why don’t you ask about my brothers? Don’t you want to know anything about them?” And usually the reply was, “I’ll find out when and if I ever get to meet them in person.”
It hit me. He didn’t give a shit about my family.
All the “Me and your dad are going to get along so well,” was bullshit. He never intended to get to know my dad. And my dad would have been annoyed with having to repeat things a hundred times because he would never remember anything. He would have asked my dad a million questions about things he had no intention of learning. He would have bugged my mom, telling her how much he “loved her” over and over, without really ever knowing what love was. In my family, we don’t throw the “love you’s” around like in his. We actually MEAN it when we say it, so we don’t have to constantly tell everyone we love them. We show it.
Every time we spoke of moving to Florida to be closer to my family, he would ask things like, “If we get to Florida, will we – ” or “If we’re in Florida, when we’re with your parents, will we -“…….never “when“, always, “if”. That was my first clue we would never be there together. But as usual, I dared to dream. I dared to believe. And he would say, “We will get there. I so want to go there, I want to meet your family.” But you know, that little inner voice that you hear, it kept saying, “um, no. Seriously? He would never leave his son. He will never ever leave his overbearing mommy and daddy. He’s gonna die in this shithole, and you had better get used to that.”
Once again, in my life’s lessons, I continue to make the same mistakes. I just don’t listen to my inner voice. But even if I had, what would I have done? Walked away from my marriage? I’m not a quitter, I don’t give up. I make a commitment and I stick to it. Even if the other half of the equation doesn’t. When I stand before God and a Judge, and pledge to love someone “through good times and bad, sickness and health, till death do us part,” I mean it. It isn’t just a pile of words to me. It’s the truth. I hate liars. And I married 3 of them.
I spent the day riding the bus again, just for 1 small bag of food from the local food pantry. Not exactly healthy, but good staples for now. I managed to sneeze my way across town, 5 buses full of people, and I am pretty sure they are all infected now. You’re welcome. That’s for all the coughing and sneezing you’ve all done to me over the last month. Enjoy.
Bruce: This is bad, this is very very bad.
Cap: I know. I mean, we saw it coming didn’t we? We tried….
Tony: Wait, what? What’s so bad? What’s happening? What did I miss?
Clint: She’s sick. Been sneezing non stop all night. Didn’t you hear her?
Tony: No, I guess I had a little too much fun last night. I passed out early.
Thor: You definitely should not have drunken the mead Tony. I told you it wasn’t meant for humans.
Tony: Lesson learned. I won’t be doing that again. So, Bruce, what do we know. Symptoms?
Bruce: Elevated mucous levels, congestion in the frontal lobe, watering eyes, chest congestion, congestion in her ears, runny nose, it’s bad. It’s not looking like we’re going anywhere today.
Tony: It sounds like we’re in a padded cell in here.
Bruce: That’s all the congestion. We’re basically sitting in a room of snot.
Clint: Ewwwwwwww. Gross, man! Can’t you just leave it at, “she’s stuffy” and not get into details. Now I’ll need a shower. Again.
Bruce (chuckling): Sorry. I’m a scientist, I tend to tell it as it is…
Clint: Reminder, next time, no mention of bodily fluids, especially snot, okay?
Bruce: She should have gotten that flu shot. Let’s hope this isn’t becoming the flu.
Me: Snidflfinsglkhg. These tissssss……ahhhhhchuuuuuu! These tissues feel like sandpappppppper a-chu!
Cap: God bless you.
Thor: I said nothing. I don’t understand.
Tony: Skip it Fabio. Shit Cat, you’re sick.
Me: No kidding. AAAAAh——chuuuuuuuu!
Clint: Go to the mirror so we can see how we look today……
Me: Alright……..ew. Well, hair isn’t bad, but my eyes look like I rolled in hot pepper sauce. Ow……they itch. They burn. They……..ahhhhhhh-chu!
Bruce: Bless you again. Poor thing. You don’t look so hot. Do you have a fever?
Me: No. Don’t think so. Just feel like crap. My right eye is watering. Just the one eye. Might have to borrow Fury’s patch today. ha ha.
Natasha: Don’t think so. He won’t even take it off.
Me: I can barely hear out of my ears. They’re all plugged up.
Bruce: We know. We’re sitting right between them, thanks.
Clint: Don’t say it. Just please, don’t.
Cap: You need to eat chicken soup. And drink lot’s of orange juice, fresh squeezed would be best.
Me: Yeah, um, don’t have either. I have some sort of orange juice stuff with 100% Vitamin C, and I have Emergen-C, a supplement with antioxidants and more vitamin C. I have a cup of chicken soup wannabe, and I have some Alka Seltzer Cold and Flu tablets.
Cap: Am I the only person here who has no clue what she just said?
Bruce: Kool-Aid, dry chicken soup in a cup, and cold meds.
Cap: Oh. And, will any of that help?
Bruce: The juice has no nutritional value, but it does contain an adequate supplement of vitamins which could help. Too much Vitamin C can cause the urine to become clear, meaning it isn’t really helping, and the cold and flu pills will help clear the congestion, but at the risk of her becoming jittery or sleepy.
Clint: Hey! What did I say about discussing bodily fluids. Seriously, I don’t care what color her pee is. I say, take it all, throw down some brandy and…….
Bruce: No. She needs to go out remember? She can’t be all drugged up and riding the bus all day.
Me: I will take it when I get home. Right now I just need coffee……..and a cigarette, and another tissssssss-ahchu!
Thor: Bless you. (looks to the others) What? I just figured being blessed BY a god was just as good……
Tony: Good one, Point Break. That was very funny.
Thor: I didn’t mean for it to be……
Tony: Well, it was. Look, blow your nose and get dressed. You need to get out again today. No resting until you have more food, and then you can crawl back into your bed with my blessing.
Me: Uh, thanks. I think. I feel like I have epilepsy on one side of my face. Damn eye won’t stop itching and watering……and then comes the……….sneezzzzzzzzzz-chu.
Bruce: It cold be just allergies. the spring comes early here. But I haven’t seen anything blooming yet.
Me: Me either. It’s been cold one day, hot the next. Who knows what the weather will be today. If I go out in a coat, I will boil. If I wear a light jacket, it will be freezing out. And all this crying at night hasn’t been helping.
Bruce: Your resistance is low. You’re more susceptible to getting sick when you feel this way. And you aren’t drinking enough water.
Clint: We heard you crying. It makes me sad when you’re sad.
Me: Sorry Clint. I just keep trying to put pieces together. The signs were there all along. I should have seen it coming.
Clint: You were listening to your heart. You can’t blame yourself. You were listening to his lies. He knew your weaknesses and he used them against you.
Me: I know. I know. If I had listened to myself……..or you, I wouldn’t be aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh-chu!
Clint: Bless you.
Me: Thank you. I can’t think. I’m just going to change into some clothes and go out. Maybe fresh air will help.
Bruce: Bring lots of tissues.
Me: I will.
Me: Damn, the bus is full today. Time to play my mp3 player. Oh shit, another sneeze coming.
Clint: Quick, grab the tissues.
Bruce: Too late.
Me: Sorry people on the bus. That’s what you get for coughing all over me last week. I’ll have one out for next………ahhhhhhh-chu.
Thor: What did he say to you?
Me: He said, “Bless you” in Spanish.
Thor: Oh. That was nice of him. Your people always say “bless you” whenever someone sneezes. That is a very pleasant way of greeting someone.
Me: Yeah, right, whatever. AAAAAAAA-……
Clint: False alarm.
Me: Chuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Nope, just got stuck ha ha.
Tony: Bless you.
Bruce: This bus is taking much longer than usual to reach the main terminal.
Tony: Construction. They are always fixing the same roads. Never bother with the ones people actually use however.
Me: True. I just wish the bus would go around the whole damn thing instead of weaving through the cones.
Cap: We’re here. Good. Now what’s the next one we have to take?
Clint: The 50. It’s not here yet.
Me: Good, I have time to smoke. And rub my eyes some more. And sneeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeechu!
(all) : Bless you!
Stranger: “God Bless you!”
Me: “Thank you.” And you all too.
Bruce: If you wouldn’t smoke, you might not sneeze.
Clint: It’s only the second one she’s had all day.
Tony: Bus. 50. Let’s go.
Me: Ok. Good. Lot’s of seats. Crap this must be the cold bus today. The last one had the heat blasting, this one has the a/c on. “AAAAAAHChuuuuuuu!”
Bruce: I wish I could count how many people will remember her when they all get sick later…….
(Food pantry. 3 people in line. Woman takes my info, hands me a card. I give it to the person handing out the boxes. I start filling up my bag with the meager rations. 1 pound bag of rice, 1 pound of beans, 3 cans of vegetables, 1 can applesauce, small carton of milk, 2 pounds of spaghetti, and hilariously, 2 tiny packets with about 2 Tbsp each of tomato sauce, and low and behold, 2 cans of tuna and a roll of frozen ground chicken meat. It’s been ages since they have had any kind of meat. Thanks Michelle Obama for screwing with the state rations of emergency food. You suck.)
Me: Well, that was fun. Now let’s get home so I can take something for this cold, or whatever it is. I don’t think I can take this anymore. My eye keeps twitching and watering. And the tissues are making my nose sore.
Tony: We know. But at least you can say you went out, had some fresh—–er air and got some food.
Bruce: And effectively infected every senior citizen on all the buses we’ve ridden today…….
Me: It’s not like I didn’t try to stop……or cover. They should have all had their flu shots and pneumonia shots by now anyway. They are better prepared than I was for all the stuff they spat all over me….
Clint: I’m leaving till we get home. This is going to get gross again…..
Loki: With Barton gone, and Cat so low in defenses, I have the perfect opportunity to win her over……
Thor: Loki, may I remind you of our last meeting?
Loki: Well, it’s been fun, see you later then.