I am not a redneck. I am not cheap. I am poor. There is a difference.
Clint: She’s up….I think. Oh man, the hair again.
Bruce: Shhhh. She’ll hear you. It looks better than mine does when I wake up.
Clint: Yeah, but you’re a guy…..Nobody cares how a guy’s hair looks.
Bruce: Uh, thanks. I think.
Thor: My hair always looks good. People rave about my mane of golden hair.
Clint: Shut up. And get your damn “mane” out of my face.
Bruce: Clint, are you pms-ing? What’s wrong with you today?
Clint: I don’t know. I just feel bad for her. She’s not sleeping again. She cries herself to sleep, she thinks about him all the time. And you know, their anniversary is coming up.
Bruce: Yeah, and Valentine’s Day. It’s gonna be rough.
Tony: Hey. What’s happening?
Clint: She just woke up.
Tony: AAAAAAAgh!! What’s with the hair??!
Bruce: Will you guys quit with the hair. It’s not that bad……
Me: “What the hell? Scissor time again. I don’t get why this one side just won’t behave? At this rate I will be bald.” (snip snip) “Shit!”
Tony: Uh oh. Not good. Hey, why not wet it, that’ll help.
Me: I don’t think anything will help. It’s hopeless. I am tired of my hair. Every day I cut it shorter and shorter.
Bruce: It looks fine. It’s just hair, and it will grow back.
Me: yeah, I guess. Not like I have to impress anyone anyway. There. I think it looks pretty good now?
Clint: Much better. Good job.
Tony: Coffee!!! Please give us coffee!
Me: You’re all lucky I was up at 4 am making it. Now it’s all ready. Mmmmm. Nothing like that first sip….
Tony: So, what are we doing today?
Me: I’m making a new blog. Well, it’s mainly this blog, but it will be easier for some people to access and read. And I am going to sign up for Twitter so everyone can hear about you guys.
Tony: I was actually thinking you should go out or something like that.
Me: Oh I plan to. We need coffee. Well, I need coffee. You just reap the benefits of it. But I’m all out. And I need some shampoo too.
Thor: Agreed. Your golden hair is not up to it’s usual standard fare, Catherine.
Me: Shut up Thor. Not everyone can look like Fabio.
Tony: Oh, nice of you to finally join us. Where have you been?
Cap: Making sure my hair was perfect.
Clint: Oh please, your hair is always perfect. Even after we killed all those aliens, you didn’t have a hair out of place. How did you pull that off by the way?
Cap: The hair stylists on the movie set of course. They loved my hair. Constantly combing it so it looked perfect. They loved playing with my hair. And Thor’s. And Loki’s.
Loki: No one ‘played with’ my hair. It’s naturally perfect.
Thor: Brother, how is it you continue to find your way here? Why do you insist on barging into our conversations?
Loki: Because one day I will win Cat over. She will be unable to resist my charms. She will become one of my ……….fangirls.
Clint: Ha! Never, you can’t have her. She’s on OUR side. She will never choose YOU over ME. NEVER!
Loki: We’ll see. She has already permitted me to access her brain. It is just a matter of time before I have complete control, as I did yours Barton.
Clint: We won’t allow it. You don’t have your magic glow stick anymore Reindeer games. You have to leave. Thor, kick your brother out of here. We have enough to deal with and he’s not one of us.
Thor: I am torn between the love for my brother and my duty to Cat. Why must you always make me choose between them?
Tony: Because. You’re brother’s an idiot. Just because he has a crazy ass grin, women fall all over themselves to be in his ‘army’. These women must be stopped! We will not let you take Cat, Loki. She’s with us. We may not be able to protect her from you, but you can be sure as hell we will Avenger…..I mean avenge her.
Me: Hey. Anyone care what I think? Or am I just here to give you somewhere to rest?
Bruce: No, please. Tell us what you think?
Me: Well, Loki does have a sort of evil-crazy-as-shit smile. And he has behaved somewhat since the whole aether thing with Thor. Maybe you should just give him a chance. See what he has to offer.
Tony: Oh lord, we are losing her. Please tell me you aren’t falling for this?
Me: Oh if I learned anything from my ex, it’s not to trust a beautiful smile. No matter how charming he pretends to be, Loki will never be able to win me over.
Loki: But with me, you can have ultimate power, beautiful clothes, glorious foods you never could imagine, and a King for a slave. I can give you everything you ever dreamed of..
Clint: Yeah, like frostbite. And I’m talking about lower extremity frostbite. And he’s not a king. He’s not even technically a god either. Can you imagine just for one minute, what it would be like to sleep with this guy?! I mean, you’d wake up in the middle of the night with an icicle hanging off your…..
Loki: ENOUGH! I will not be bullied by……..
Bruce: I dare you to finish that sentence. Go on. Try it.
Clint: Ha! Some king.
Me: Okay guys, we need to get ready to go out. I’ve done all I can on the blog for now. If I don’t go now I’ll end up back in bed, and trust me, I can’t deal with fixing this damn hair once more.
Cap: Good. Finally a chance to get out of this place.
(Brief walk to the Family Dollar store 2 blocks away. Nice person smiles and says “hello” to me. I must look good today. The fact that I have half a bottle of hairspray on my head and a huge healing zit on my cheek has no bearing on my awesomeness today. I reach the store in just a couple of minutes.)
Cap: Wow, they finally got some new carts. But what’s with the huge long red pole sticking out of it?
Bruce: That’s so someone can’t walk out of the store and steal the cart.
Clint: Oh yeah, because that huge long-assed pole doesn’t give anything away. You couldn’t even get out of the store with it.
(I proceed to go up and down aisles looking for shampoo. The store is busy with inventory being put on the shelves, and every aisle is nearly impossible to access. And everywhere I go, someone is blocking me in. Claustrophobic, I quickly find an open aisle to scoot down, but before long I am trapped again. Shit.)
Me: What was on my list again?
Clint: Shampoo, check.
Tony: And dish soap.
Me: Okay. Coffee aisle. Shit. The only kind they aren’t out of is the $4 stuff in the tiny can. This sucks. Where’s the $2 stuff I bought last time?
Tony: GET IT. You have no coffee. You need coffee. I need coffee.
Me: Okay okay. I will pay the damn $4. Relax. I don’t think you really need any more coffee. The creamer can wait, I think I can get it later on. Hmm. Tuna. Maybe I should get some tuna.
Bruce: All they have is oil. Skip it.
Me: Canned ham? Spam?
Natasha: That’s gross.
Me: Nice of you to show up today. I will get two cans just to annoy you then. I like Spam.
Cap: Spam was used during the war when meat was hard to find. If it was good enough for our soldiers, it’s good enough for Cat.
Me: Thanks. I’d rather have a steak or a porkchop. But it will do.
Clint: She’s going to the frozen section again. Nothing has changed in the 3 minutes since the last time she looked. Why does she do that?
Bruce: She’s a Libra. She has to do it over and over. It’s her nature.
Me: Baloney, chopped ham, hotdogs, chicken fingers…..ugh. I hate shopping here.
Clint: That’s pretty much what you eat anyway.
Me: No, I have not bought any baloney since he left, and I’m poor remember? But I can’t afford this shit and I don’t want it anyway. The Spam will have to do. As long as I get a little protein each day it’s fine. Now, what else do I need………..Ramen noodles?
Tony: Back away from the Ramen sister. You don’t need that. Keep moving……….that’s it, onward to the dish soaps now………..good girl. Whew! That was close.
(All four aisles from the car stuff to the cleaning stuff are totally blocked off by boxes on both ends, and the sale clerk is on the floor putting up stock. I soon decide I don’t need dish soap and move on.)
Me: I guess we’re done.
Tony: Let’s walk around some more. We barely got here. You need the exercise anyway.
Bruce (whispers to Tony): Valentine’s Day aisle……..alert!!
Tony: Whoah!!! Valentine’s Aisle, ABORT ABORT! Do NOT go down the Valentine’s Day aisle! I repeat, step away from the red and pink shit now. Do NOT look at the cute fuzzy animals and sweet heart candies. Move along now…………
Me: Relax. I’m doing okay. Not one of my ex’s ever bought me shit on Valentine’s Day without me telling them to anyway. I couldn’t care less. It’s the only aisle I can get down to reach the registers.
Bruce: Man, that was close. I thought she would flip out for a second.
Clint: Nah, she’s tough. She handled it like a pro. Can we go now?
Me: Do you think I have ADHD? I get so distracted by things………ooh look! Headphones……….
Tony: Maybe Loki could use her. Honestly, I think we should find another brain to inhabit…….
Loki: It’s just a matter of time………and……….she……….will……..be……….mine……….
Thor: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (Whack)
Me: Jeez Thor! That hurt!
Thor: Please forgive me Catherine. I could not allow Loki to continue. He has left now…….
Tony: Loki has left the building……..er I mean, brain.
Bruce: Puny god.