Most days my motivation is severely lacking. But the important thing to know is — that’s okay. I’ve stopped giving in to the “other” voices in my head that tell me I’m being lazy or wasting time, lounging around in my pajamas all day long and not giving a shit whether the dishes are clean or not. Yes, I have responsibilities. Yes, I have to pay bills, go to the insurance company to pay insurance on a car I can’t even drive right now. Yes, I need to eat, sleep and take my blood pressure and diabetes meds. I am an adult, I know those things.Unfortunately, my ex did not take things that seriously. He would just get up with a new crazy ass plan and expect me to go along for the ride. But now, NOW, I am on my own, and I will not shirk my responsibilities. I WILL however do whatever I want when the responsibilities are fulfilled. I won’t go looking at stupid Karaoke machines or disco lights, that was his thing, not mine. For 5 years I did what he wanted, I supported him and his dreams. I watched our money go down the toilet for yet another “job” he never got paid for, another “deal” I agreed to to keep the peace. But not once did he ever encourage or support my dreams, my plans, my world. And that is what you see when you stop seeing the person who sucks the life out of your dreams; you see their insecurities and lack of enthusiasm for who and what you are. It’s impossible to see the things you loved about yourself when you are focusing on someone else 24/7. And nearly every day I am seeing things about myself I have missed so much.
Cap: What’s up?
Clint: Not much. She’s still asleep. Doesn’t she look adorable?
Bruce: She’s drooling.
Natasha: And snoring. She always snores when she doesn’t sleep enough.
Clint: How many times last night?
Bruce: I lost track, must have been 2 or 3.
Cap: Times? What are you talking about?
Bruce: How many times she got up in the night, hung out and didn’t go back to sleep.
Clint: She decided to update her Mp3 at 4 am. I wonder if she’s going out today or something.
Bruce: yeah, she’s been complaining that she needs more good songs to listen to while she’s out.
Clint: She put some oldies from Dido and Avrille Levine on there. Took off all the Spanish guys her husband made her add, muttered something about “sunofabitchmexicancrap“…….
Bruce: (laughs) Good for her.
Tony: Hey guys. Is she up yet?
Natasha: Nope. Oh wait, she’s moving. Nope, false alarm.
Cap: She sleeps two hours, then up for 3 and sleeps again for 2……She must be part Cat for sure.
Clint: She does try Cap, even went to bed at 10 pm the other night. But was up again at 1 am. Think that was the night she started all this “group” stuff…..
Tony: Oh yeah. She’s motivated to create. I know how that is. You get an idea in your head, go crazy making it happen, then forget things like eating and sleeping and peeing……
Natasha: How many nights have you stayed up all at once Stark?
Tony: I think the record was 4 days straight. When my eyelids wouldn’t close by themselves anymore, I had to stop. She just gets so into an idea and can’t let it go. I get it. You just don’t want to forget something, so you need to get it out. But she’s getting some sleep at least.
Clint: I think she’s waking up. It’s about time, it’s after noontime.
Tony: Good grief, look at her hair.
Me: Hmmasohfoorumf. What the hell time is it. 12:20? In the night or the day? Hmmmppttft. Gotta go to the bathroom…….
Clint: Wait for it…….
Me: What the fuck happened to my hair??! Jeeezzzz. I look like the bride of Sasquatch.
Clint: (giggling) Told ya so…..
Thor: I could give you some tips for your locks of golden hair, Catherine.
Me: Grr. Shut up Thor. I need to wet it and do something with it. There, that will do……..Agh! What’s with all this poofy crap it’s doing now?
Natasha: Probably all the drool…..Take a shower already. Will make you feel better.
Me: NO. Need coffee first. And food. I’m starving!
Cap: Are you going out somewhere today?
Me: No. I went out yesterday. Today I decided to mop the floor, wash the dishes, make banana bread and put the clean clothes away. Oh and take down the Christmas decorations finally.
Bruce: That’s some list. (bet she doesn’t do any of them)
Me: Well, that’s the plan anyway. We’ll see…….
(meanwhile…..2 hours have gone by.)
Clint: Didn’t you say you were going to do some stuff today?
Me: I did. I updated the computer, installed a new chat program, washed a plate, ate mouthful of cottage cheese, and made a pot of coffee.
Bruce: Um….none of those things besides washing ‘a plate’ were even on the list.
Me: Yeah, I know. Just don’t feel like doing anything today. My stomach hurts.
Tony: You’re hungry for god sake! Eat something!
Me: Okay, Okay. I’ll have some soup.
Tony: You’ve been on a soup kick lately.
Me: It’s warm, comforting and low in calories. Plus I need to make room in the freezer for the banana bread.
Bruce: Which you haven’t made yet…
Me: No, but I will. I swear I will!
Tony: I’m going back to bed……
Natasha: Me too…..
Clint: I’m still here Cat. Oh, wait, she’s rolling up her sleeves! She’s gonna wash the dishes!
(Dishes done. Coffee drunk. Soup heated.)
Bruce: Have we made any progress yet?
Clint: (yawning)….Dishes done. Now she’s eating. Most boring Friday ever.
Bruce: Sometimes it’s just hard for her to get out of herself. She deserves a day or two to relax.
Clint: She did get all her other stuff done this week, the new lease for the apartment, picking up bread and water yesterday. To most people those things seems so small.
Bruce: Yes, to most people. But for her it’s an accomplishment. She isn’t hiding in the house all the time anymore. She actually goes out and interacts with people.
Me: Sometimes. At least when they speak English anyway. That little boy and his mom were sure cute yesterday at the bus stop. He was so happy with a 50 cent balloon.
Thor: Yes he was adorable. Until he screamed on a busload of people and nearly broke my eardrums.
Clint: Good thing we had to get off at that stop. The cuteness just went away.…..
Me: Your ears are so sensitive Thor. But yes, it was very annoying. I was glad to be home just as he started screaming. I feel bad for the bus driver. The boy’s mother didn’t even flinch. How do people do that?
Bruce: Selective hearing…….men are good at it too. Plus the bus had many senior citizens on it, so I am guessing they are all half deaf already anyway. <grin>
Me: Well, there is a limit to the pitch I can handle. That one went through to my brain with that last squeal. I thought my ears were bleeding.
Clint: We know, we’re here. We heard it too you know.I thought Bruce was gonna lose his shirt again.
Bruce: Pointy things, screaming kids, annoying people…….Tony…….I can handle more than you think.
Me: ” I’m going to go shower now.” Not that I need to tell you. It just makes me feel like if I say it out loud it makes it sound like I am accomplishing something.
Clint: Thank god. That hair was really getting on
my her nerves.
Me: I feel better. I need more coffee.
Tony: Me too. How can I motivate you if you don’t at least give me caffeine?
Me: Sorry. I just didn’t get around to making a fresh pot. I’m trying to cut down.
Tony: Oh no no no…..You don’t cut out the caffeine. You already cut back on cigarettes, and alcohol, and you will not, I repeat, NOT give up coffee. That’s is the last straw!
Cat: I never drank Tony. An occasional glass of wine? Seriously. Calm down. The coffee is on it’s way.
Tony: When it starts kicking in, let me know. I’m gonna go read or something. (muttering)……Talking to Jarvis was better than this…..I just can’t deal with her kind of crazy today……Jarvis, help me…….please.
Bruce: Your mom is online finally.
Me: Mmmhmm. She’ll pop up if she wants to chat. I am still trying to get this new chat thing to work.
Clint: You chat online. You chat with us in your head. You just chat all day don’t you? And yet…….still not talking much.
Me: Sorry. I just don’t really want to waste your time right now guys. I’m still dragging and can’t get anything done today. At least I’m dressed and clean and ate. I washed four dishes and a pot, and a cup and wiped everything down.
Clint: Well, I guess that that’s better than nothing. Your hair looks better at least.
Thor: Agreed. Except it is now flat. Perhaps I should acquire some of Loki’s styling gel for you? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.
Loki: Don’t you dare. I swear Thor, I will tell mother if you do.
Thor: Mother died in the last movie remember? She cares less about your hair gel. And who allowed you into Cat’s head again?
Loki: <sniff> Thank you for reminding me that the only woman who ever loved me is dead Thor. You suck. Natasha gave me the keys. She said she would return when “pigs fly“. Do they have those here as well?
Clint: Don’t think so. It means the same as when “hell freezes over.” Or, never.
Loki: I am a Frost Giant, Barton. I can make hell freeze over. However, I am not familiar with it’s location. Perhaps your “SHIELD” friends could locate it for me.
Clint: I can send you there myself you freakin reindeer……….
Me: Guys! Shut the hell up. I fixed my hair. I’m making dinner now and I need to concentrate.
Thor: Yes, it is an improvement. What did you do to it Cat?
Cat: I brushed it. Hairsprayed it. Fluffed it. Happy now? Be quiet.
Thor to Loki: What is this “hairsprayed?”
Loki: I haven’t the slightest.
Bruce: What’s she making for dinner?
Thor: What? What did I do?
Clint: No, C-O-D. It’s a fish. And some orzo pasta in bechemel sauce with Parmesan, brussel sprouts.
Bruce: Good. At least she’s cooking for once. And healthier than Hotdogs.Guess she’s motivated now.
Me: Because I’m hungry and no one else is going to cook for me. My ex would have loved this meal. He loved Brussel Sprouts. His loss.
Bruce: And our gain. Maybe I should wake Tony up.
Clint: Nah, he’s grouchy. Let him sleep. We’ll eat his for him.
Me: Oh my gosh I am so full right now.That was good.
Clint: Yes it was.
Tony: What the hell? You didn’t wake me up for dinner?
Clint: Sorry, I just have to say it………..You snooze, you lose.