Today I finally managed to get out for some fresh air and peace. The neighbors above me and next door seems to be manic lately, hammering, banging, dropping things on the floor over my head, and playing their music way too loud. After an entire weekend of this, I decided come hell or high water, I was going OUT. I needed some food anyway, so seemed like a logical plan. I was feeling very good today, my hair was nice, and I just felt like I could handle just about anything. But as usual, I wasn’t completely alone….
Me: Okay gang, we have a list. Let’s stick to it. If I get home again without the syrup I will be really ticked. Let’s see, what else am I out of?
Cap: Eggs. You said eggs. And grape jam, not jelly. It’s been on the list for a month now, and you still haven’t gotten it.
Tony: Sponges, do I have to ask? We are talking about the kind you use to wash dishes right?
Bruce: Hehe. You’re bad Tony. Keep your mind out of her sex life. And she doesn’t use those anyway.
Me: Hey! My sex life is off limits. No talking sex okay?
Bruce: Sorry. It’s not like your having any anyway…
Clint: Hehe…….that’s true. Hey, did you see the Golden Globes last night?
Me: You know I watched it.
Clint: Watched what? Oh, you mean the show……I was talking about Jennifer Lopez…….badumbum……
Me: She had it coming. She should have kept those suckers better covered.
Cap: What are we talking about? Globes? I used to have one of those. Showed where all the countries were……and…..
Tony: Don’t make me hit you.
Me: Here we are. I need to go pee first. Be right back…..
Bruce to Tony: She does realize we go with her right?
Tony: Think so…Never can tell with her.
Me: That lady didn’t wash her hands. That’s gross. Just think of how many vegetables she’s gonna touch now and that’s just gross….
Tony: Hmm. Never thought about that…..ew.
Me: Okay. Mac and cheese, three for $1. Good deal. Next, meat section. Steaks, hamburger, cow guts…….nope. Not buying any of that…..
Cap: Cow guts? Seriously?
Bruce: Hispanic delicacy Steve. They use it in Menudo. It’s like a soup…..
Clint: Menudo……weren’t they a Spanish pop group?
Me: Let’s move on, shall we? Hmmm. Chicken. Big pack, I can break it into smaller packs for 7 nights of dinners. Yup, this will work. Ok, hotdogs…on sale.
Bruce: You do know what is in those things right?
Me: Shut up. I’m poor. I eat what I can. They’re chicken and pork. That’s all I need to know.
Clint: Cheese slices. You had cheese slices on the list. Just reminding you.
Me: Thanks. Ok…….hmm. $3 for 16 slices or $1.69 for 12. No contest, I’ll take the 12.
Cap: Veggies. Veggies. Buy some veggies.
Natasha: Oh for christ sake Cap, stop saying veggies. You sound like you’re 5.
Cap: Sorry, working on my updated American slang…..you don’t like it huh?
Natasha: No. Don’t do it again. Vegetables.
Me: Veggies! Yes!
Natasha: It’s a lost cause……
Me: Brussel sprouts are on sale. Dumbass loves brussel sprouts. Guess he’s gonna miss out. All for me! Corn, peas, and broccoli. That should do it.
Tony: Have never seen anyone so excited about frozen peas before. I usually use them when I get beat up to put on the sore spot……
Me: What next?
Cap: Jam. Grape Jam…..
Tony: Eggs and sponges. Eggs and sponges. You watch, she’ll forget….
Me: No I will not. You are usually so entertaining Tony. Today, not so much.
Bruce: Plates. Paper plates……there’s some on this aisle.
Me: The Styrofoam ones are a dollar. Need I remind you that your mother in law serves every single meal, including Holidays, on Styrofoam plates, with a plastic fork?
Me: True. Plus Mark Ruffalo would be mad if I bought Styrofoam. Bad for the environment. I always buy paper.
Bruce: Who’s Mark Ruffalo?
Me: Jelly……no jam. Shit. This is why I haven’t bought it in over a month. No one carries JAM. Only jelly. I hate jelly. Can’t spread it….just a great big blob on my bread. Hate that.
Tony: Why couldn’t I have been in Stephen Hawking’s brain? Why this? I am surrounded by 5 other people in a woman’s brain, and we’re talking about the significance of jam versus jelly.
Clint: Cat, you know, I meant to tell you earlier, but you look fabulous today! Your hair is perfect, you look great. Really.
Me: I know, right? I am feeling pretty today. Confident, beautiful, energetic. Weird. I never feel this way.
Tony: We know.
Thor: By all that is holy, what is this high pitched noise which permeates my head? It’s dreadful and causing great pain to my ears.
Bruce: It’s a kid screaming at the top of her lungs. Nice huh? Welcome to earth.
Thor: You must be mistaken Son of Banner, this is not a human sound, it must be a bilge snipe!
Tony: Nope. Still a kid. Irritating the hell out of me too.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s why I don’t have any. I can’t deal with that much more. I got out of the house to escape noise, and now it’s following me.
Thor: Why do the child’s parents permit such incessant vocalizations?! It is intolerable!
Natasha: They’ve learned to ignore it. They really should be considered for a medal.
Thor: They must have amazing powers! Should we enlist them to join the team?
Me: Found the sponges. $4 for one sponge? Seriously, I’m not cleaning gold with it, just getting the cheese off my plates. Bleh…..moving on.
Tony: Syrup! I knew you would forget SYRUP. See, I remembered. Let’s see if you can make it to the cashier without it…….
Me: I know Tony, I won’t forget.
Tony: Repeat after me, syrup and eggs. Syrup and eggs…….
Me: Syrup……eggs…..sponges…….Oooh, water. I should get some more water. I can’t drink that tap stuff. Montezuma’s revenge and all…..never touch it.
Clint: Skip it. Syrup and eggs……
Tony: NO. Focus. Syrup and eggs.
Me: Should I get crackers? They have crackers on sale…….do we need anything else?
All: Syrup and eggs!
Me: Okay okay……..Syrup. Here we go. How can they call this maple syrup, if it only has 2% maple syrup in it? Oh well, it’ll do. Ok, let’s go.
Clint: EGGS. For heaven sake woman, E-G-G-S……..remember?
Me: I should go back to the freezer section. They might have pot pies on sale….
Tony: Pot pies? You’re so sweet, you know I need some weed…….thanks!
Me: Very funny. No, chicken pot pie, turkey pot pie, beef pot pie.
Tony: And weed right? For flavoring?
Me: No pot. Just meat and veggies. Get over it. Okay, got two turkey pot pies, sans pot. Now we can go…..
All: EGGS! Damn, woman!
Me: Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. ha ha. I got them. How about cottage cheese…….damn, the milk is $4 a gallon. Do we need milk? If so, too bad. I am not paying $4 for a gallon of milk.
Tony: I think we’re done now. Let’s get out of here before that screaming kid pisses Bruce off and we all have to make room for his alter ego.
Bruce: Oh, it’s okay. I wouldn’t have come if I couldn’t handle……noisy things.
Me: Okay. Now let’s find a bus……across the street.
Thor: Cat, what is that……person doing?
Tony: You mean that lady wearing the…….yellow cape and weird hat? She’s dancing…….trying to get drivers to notice her and come inside the store.
Thor: Her outfit is amusing. And she seems to enjoy her job so. All of the vehicles appear to be signalling her with their trumpets.
Cap: Yeah, they’re honking. She’s a happy employee. You think she does that all day long?
Tony: Why, you looking for a new job Cap? You could always don your spangly outfit and join her. Maybe help business some…..
Cap: Shut up Stark. My uniform is not a joke. I take it very seriously.
Tony: Yeah, but you did used to do a little dance number with all those chicks to sell war bonds. What’s the difference?
Cap: I didn’t dress like that!
Me: Here comes the bus. Shit I’m hungry. I knew I should have bought those crackers……..but no…….we had to get the eggs…….
Tony: Did you get syrup??
Me: Yes. I got the syrup. Starting to wish I had bet you on that. I would have won. I’d be rich now.
Tony: Yeah, um, my wallet is in your brain. Not sure that would have worked out.