Victories are not always big….

Today I had a little victory..just a little one. I breathed, I survived, and I persevered.

I just love this song, Live to Rise by Soundgarden. It’s on the Avengers DVD. It fits how I feel. Like a phoenix I will rise again, shine again, and move on.

[audio:http://atraiza.blog.com/files/2015/01/AVENGERSSOUNDGARDENLIVETORISE.mp3|titles=Live to Rise]

Clint:  What are we up to today?

Tony: No idea, she never tells us anything.

Bruce: We’re waiting.

Cap: Waiting for what?

Bruce: The ex to show up. Could be a catastrophe…….

Tony: Not if we can help.

Me: What are you guys talking about? What catastrophe?

Bruce: You’re in your pajamas. It’s nearly noontime.

Me: Yeah, well, I didn’t sleep well. I just got up like a half an hour ago.

Bruce: You know what today is. He’s coming today.

Me: I am well aware of that Bruce.

Bruce: Well, what are you going to do?

Me: I am going to make a cup of coffee and text my mom on Facebook. Then I will call the Landlady and see what time he’s coming, that’s if he answered her call.

Bruce: Okay, well, let’s get on with it, the suspense is killing me.

Me: Okay, I’m calling. Can you just give me a minute? I need to drink my coffee or I won’t be able to function.

Bruce: Fine.

Me: My mom never got my message last night. Hmm. Oh yeah, she has an appointment today. Oh, she’s here. (Typing to mom….blah blah blah)

Tony: Call already! We want to know!

Me: Okay okay!  (Calling.) “Hi. Did you talk to him yet? Okay.”

Bruce: Well?

Me: He’s coming around 2:30, but freaked out because he doesn’t want to see cops here. And he swears he has nothing here to collect. HA! Only 8 boxes of shit and a ton of dirty clothes!

Tony: ………and……..she’s back. Now what?

Me: Telling my mom what’s up.  I asked the landlady about his stuff. She wants me to bring it to her office, but I am not doing it. My back still hurts from yesterday. I will shove it into the hall later. She doesn’t want a confrontation, and told him she would only have to call police if there is a problem. He’s such a baby. I never said they would come and arrest him, just be here so he doesn’t start anything. And I sent him a text.

Clint: Oooh, what did you say?

Me: I told him, “yeah right you don’t have anything here? I guess 8 boxes of nothing and your son’s pictures is nothing. You’re a coward and don’t want to face me.

Clint: Ooooh. That must have hurt. Him, I mean.

Me: Like I care. I am so beyond caring it isn’t funny. Okay, I informed my mom. I also told her I was gonna get dressed for when he comes.

Tony: Go getem’ girl.

Me: Okay. Hair looks good, all dressed, socks on. I am gonna shove this stuff outside the door.Wow! Look how much cleaner the room looks!

Tony: Did you hurt your back?

Me: Not really. I kicked most of it. Too bad I didn’t break anything…..

Loki: I see great potential in you human. You have an evil side.

Thor: Loki, who keeps allowing you in?

Loki: Nat gave me her keys, I’m filling in for a little while. Not happy to see me brother?

Thor: I need more of that drink Cat. To deal with my brother, one needs to prepare.

Clint: So where’s Natasha today anyway?

Loki: I believe she’s sleeping in today…….or on assignment, I forget which. I’m here, deal with it.

Clint: Fine. So getting back to his stuff…..You do realize even if you stay in your apartment, he will be right outside the door.

Cap: Why is that a problem?

Tony: Oh for God sake Steve, don’t you get it yet? Oh yeah, I forgot, Captain Virgin doesn’t understand. Let me clarify for you. She’s dolling herself up (to use a term you would understand from your era), so she looks hot, then when he comes, she will open the door, check him out, and see how he reacts.

Cap: Okay. But why not just stay behind the door and ignore him?

Loki: Because you simpleton, she wants to see him one last time, to spew forth her wrath and allow herself to be rid of the festering anger welling up inside of her.

Tony: Well put Reindeer games. Okay, yes, she wants one last look at him. But, she also wants to see if there is anything left to salvage. To see if he still cares at all. Which, I’m afraid he doesn’t.

Me: You can be cruel Tony. Yes, I admit, maybe all those things are true. But then I realize that facing him is just what I have always done. And it has never worked out so well. Same actions, same results. In the past I would grab his arm, pull him toward me, beg him to change his mind. I would cry and be hurt, and hope he would see the pain and not go. He would push me away and call me names, tell me to let go. And it hurt. It hurt so badly.

Bruce: So change. Change how you deal with him. Change how you deal with yourself. Do something he wouldn’t expect.

Me: You read my mind.

Bruce: Um, yeah, not hard to do…..

Me: Let me message my mom. “Mom, I have decided to go out and pay the car insurance, so as not to be home when he comes. I will talk to you later.” How’s that?

Bruce: Pretty good. You are catching on.

Tony: <sniff> Our little girl is growing up. I promised myself I wouldn’t…….Oh forget it. No one’s buying it.

Clint: So…….road trip?

Me: Yup. Let me just go let the landlady know I am going out. (I head to the office at the end of the hall. It’s already 1:30 pm and she isn’t there, and door is locked. Shit.)

Me: Let me call her. “Hi, this is Cat. I just wondered if you’re coming back soon? Okay, but he might show up early, he’s like that. Listen, all his stuff he says he didn’t leave is in the hall. You can see how much he didn’t leave. I am going out and will return later when he’s gone.”

Clint: And?

Me: She said he just called her and now will be here at 3 pm. Damn. I hope I’m not back by then. I don’t want to run into him.

Tony: Just go. Let’s go and we can worry about it later. You have to stay on track.

Clint: Damn it’s hot today. Guess you overdressed this time.

Me: Yesterday it was 40 degrees and today it’s 65. I can’t win. I feel like I’m going to sweat off ten pounds. Here comes the bus……

(So I go pay the insurance, come out of the offices and forget that I am on the main road, which is not good. There are two ways ‘he’ could get to the apartment. One is to take the highway, which goes around it, and I would be fine. But the other way is to come down this very road at this very moment. I hide as much as possible waiting for the bus. Every damn truck looks like them. What if they happened to come by and have to stop at the stoplight where I am standing? How would I react? Yeah, probably flip them the bird, but then what? I keep praying they don’t come by, and I’m lucky the bus shows up.)

Cap: That’s not the 55, it’s the 50. What are you doing?

Me: We will take the 50, go downtown, hang out a while and get the 4 home. That should give them time to get there and back. I just can’t wait any longer. If I see their truck I might have a heart attack.

Cap: Damn this bus is colder than the last one…….

Bruce:  What time is it?

Me: 2:56……If he isn’t there, he’s nearly there. Or maybe he didn’t show up at all. Shit. Did you see that?

Tony: Don’t do that. Don’t start wondering “what if”…….just stick to the plan. Okay?

Me: Okay. But……Hey, that looks exactly like his mom’s truck, but it’s going the opposite way.

Tony: I don’t think so.

Me: No, seriously, that was her truck!

Bruce: But it’s barely 3 o’clock.

Me: Maybe he came early. Damn. I hope he was in it and not waiting at the bus depot to go to his class. We will be pulling in there in a second.

(It’s sweltering hot on the bus. And it’s packed. I mean, sardines have it easier.  I begin having a panic attack but squelch it somehow. The doors open and people get off, bringing a cool breeze into the bus. Ahhh. I can breathe. Thank God. I move up to a closer seat near the front. Once we get to the bus depot, I scan the outside to see if he might be there. I don’t see him anywhere, so I relax a bit. We get started again, headed downtown to the main bus depot, where all the buses come and go. It’s only 3:20 and way too early to risk going home yet. If it was his mom’s truck, maybe she dropped him off, or maybe he’s at the house, so I don’t know now….So I decide to call the landlady to see if he’s gone. She doesn’t answer. I try again a few minutes later, and still no answer. So I leave her a desperate message: “Please let me know if he’s gone so I can come back home. I don’t want to come if he’s still there. Call me back when you get this please!”  Of course, she never calls back. And I call her other number too, and no answer. I watch as bus #4 comes and leaves, knowing it will be at least another 15 minutes until another arrives. Good. Smoke a cigarette, go pee, feed the birds, dodge the idiot who used to live in your building and wants to ask all your personal information, then eat two tiny peanut butter crackers you stashed in your pocket so you don’t pass out before you get home.)

Cap: The four is coming. And your friend has gone around the building again.

Me: He is NOT my friend Steve. He’s a thief, a drug user, a liar,  and a dirtbag. he used to tell me he worked for John Gotti. If he sees me he will ask me about me and my ex and why isn’t he here, and then proceed to chat about everyone’s business which I could care less about. Oh, and he pees his pants. He got kicked out of the building because he had drug dealers and prostitutes coming and going at all hours. And he had people sleeping on his floor and paying him to stay.

Tony: Sounds like a real winner. Isn’t he the one who used to come to your window and scream, “HI!!!! What’s up?” the last time your ex left?

Me: Yes! Scared the crap out of me once, I was asleep and wasn’t expecting it. He used to talk about this girlfriend, who was like 30 years younger and had a kid…….and well, he didn’t even know her last name.  He swore he’d been seeing her for 2 years, and said he didn’t know her last name! Said he had never kissed her either. (winks)

Tony: Oh……..yeah, that’s right. She was a prostitute wasn’t she?

Me: Yup. Way beautiful, but very weird. Literally, came and went. lol. She would come once a week or so and “buy him some snacks” and leave. Who takes a bus for

1 and  1/2 hours and leaves again in leaves again in like ten minutes? Did he really think I was buying that crap?

Tony: Uh, yeah, she’s not with him now. He’s just walking around the building over and over……scoping, I call it.

Clint: Wow, this bus is packed too. What did everyone decide to go shopping at the same time? And what the hell’s that smell?

Me: The guy next to us…….shhhh. We’re nearly there. Our stop……let’s get outa here.

Clint: It’s so nice out. Look at all the birdies…..

Thor: Your building is near.

Me: I am really freaking out. What if the truck is still there? What do I do?

Tony: Breathe, breathe…….keep going. Ha! No truck! Soooo……he’s gone.

( I am shaking now. Have to open the door with my key.  With every breath, I pray,”God please please please let him have come.” Terrified all the shit will still be in the hallway by my door.)

Clint: It’s GONE! All of it!

Me: <sniff> I’m free. It’s all gone.

Bruce: So why aren’t you happier?

Me: Because it’s all gone. I will never see him again.

Tony: You will have to sign papers at some point……but I’m sure that’s not helping so I will just shut up.

Me: No it’s not. But I actually am relieved. Let me go log on and tell my mom. “Mom, I’m free. It’s all gone!”

Bruce: She’s going to be just fine…..

Loki: Damn……..just when I get close to enlisting her, she goes and gets happy.  Why can’t I get anyone to worship me?

Me calling Jeremy on his birthday..

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