I remember as a kid, we had swimming pool in our backyard. My parents always made me use the blow up ring because I hadn’t learned to swim yet. But being a tiny little girl, barely 30 pounds at age 6, I slipped through it a few times.
I remember choking on a piece of steak once at the dinner table. My parents banged me on the back, trying to get it out. They also turned me upside down until I finally managed to get it out. Scared the hell out of me…..
I have swallowed things before and nearly choked, sometimes I guess I just eat too fast. Or just don’t chew well. Once or twice it was an ice cube, which hurts like a son-of-a-bitch going down, but ice will eventually go down.
In all 3 of my failed marriages, I have had this little voice inside my head, asking me one question of each of these men who loved me: Could they and would they save you if you were drowning?
Husband #1. Couldn’t swim. So I am guessing I would be saving him. In fact, I remember once he panicked and I got him out…..He was so light skinned, he rarely went into the sun or the water anyway…….perhaps he was a vampire in his off time. That would explain his working nights…..
Husband #2. Weighed 110 pounds on a good day. No, he would not be saving me. And not so sure I would bother saving him. He’s probably already drowned in his liquor by now. An alcoholic in denial….
Husband #3. Probably could save me, would save me, but barely knows how to swim so would probably end up drowning me instead. Most likely would be worried about messing up his hair. Now, I say, “would save me” but that still is a mystery. Maybe at some point in our relationship that was true, but not so much anymore. He’s good at helping people, and also looking out for #1. And I am not number 1.
Another weekend has come and gone. I still have chest pain, due to the congestive cough I developed a few days ago when the temperatures dropped. I feel like Thor’s hammer is sitting on my chest and I can’t move it. Sometimes I wonder if it is just heaviness of burden and sadness, or an actual physical ailment. Bu then I remember coughing all night and dismiss it as congestion. Either way, it’s tiring. I feel like I am drowning in my own mucous……ew.
Thor: That noise has been irritating my ears. What is that?
Bruce: She’s got a chest cold. Mucous has pooled in her lungs and she’s trying to push it out.
Tony: Yes, it is very irritating. Every time you cough we get tossed around up here.
Me: It’s not my fault. I feel like the weight of the world is on my chest.
Tony: I had that problem before I had the Arc Reactor taken out of my chest.
Loki: Try having Thor’s hammer on your chest, now that’s pain.
Tony: You again?
Thor: You deserved it Loki. I had to stop you from destroying the Frost Giants.
Loki: Yeah, well if you put it on the toilet cover again I will tell father.
Thor: That was so funny! I will never forget the look upon your face as you danced around trying to find another toilet.
Clint: Serves you right Loki. You played with my brain.
Cap: Cat’s quiet tonight. I don’t think she wants to play tonight.
Me: No, I just can’t concentrate. I don’t know what to write.
Cap: Write what you’re feeling. Isn’t that what most writers do?
Me: No one cares what I’m feeling. Even I don’t care anymore. Maybe I’m just tired.
Tony: Oh come on. Do you need a motivational speech?
Me: You do realize that for you to give me a motivational speech, I would have to be motivated enough to give you one to give to me?
Tony: Yeah, no……wait, what??
Me: Have you ever heard of Jeff Dunham? He’s a comedian. He uses these marionettes in his act. One of them always starts talking and then Jeff talks and the puppet talks, and back and forth until the puppet finally yells at him and says, “You DO realize for this to work, only one of us can talk at a time right? You talk, then I talk….we cannot speak at the same time!”
Cap: I don’t understand.
Thor: Neither do I.
Tony (rolls eyes): Okay, she means that in order for me to give her a motivational speech, she actually has to think of what I would say, because we are in her brain. Seriously, try to keep up…..
Cap: But……the puppets…..what about them?
Bruce: Allow me Tony……Steve…..the man’s voice is the puppets voice. Have you ever tried to be two people at once?
Cap: That is a rhetorical question right? I mean, you are The Hulk and Bruce Banner……so…….I don’t get your point.
Me: I’m getting a headache.
Tony: Me too. Funny how that works huh?
Cap: I understood that reference!
Bruce: Haven’t you been taking that Robitussen stuff for chest congestion?
Me: Yeah. You see how well it’s working.I should have paid more and gotten the Mucinex.
Cap: Oh, I love those commercials! That little green guy always so funny…..
Tony: The green guy is mucous. He’s gross.
Cap: Oh, I never got that. He looks a lot like the little green guy in ‘Monster’s Ink’.
Bruce: You mean ‘Inc’. Not INK.
Cap: What’s the difference?
Bruce: One is Incorporated, the other is in a pen……<sigh>
Me: Is Loki still in there?
Loki: Yes, I am here. Though I am still trying to figure out why…….
Me: Good. Please kill me……Put me out of my misery……
Loki: Will you kneel before me?
Me: Well, uh. I have really bad knees……but I could sit?
Loki: I despise this planet. I’m leaving.You are all of you beneath me………(muttering as he leaves)
Natasha: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. Somebody left Thor’s hammer on the toilet seat.
Natasha: And what?
Thor: I do apologize Agent Romanoff……That was meant for Loki……
Natasha: Phft. Forget about it. It’s fine.
Me: Well, um, how did you use the toilet?
Natasha: You don’t want to know.
(now they are all wondering, did she move it, pee on it, or what?)