Alone……or am I?

A little background info: Perhaps some background is needed for you to fully  understand my life.  I will begin by saying this — I rarely sleep. When I do, it’s generally when the world is awake, or for brief periods during the night when I am not restless and thinking. Thinking. Our brains do more of that in the night, processing all we’ve been through during the day, creating dreams as vibrant as a rainbow’s hues, or as boring and silly as being in a place you’ve never seen and wondering why you are there. I often write at night when I can’t sleep, tonight is no exception. I do however need sleep right now, but it isn’t going to happen. I’ve long given up fighting with myself in an attempt at doing what I know I should be doing and just letting my mind get out all it has to. We made that agreement years ago, though none of my husbands ever could understand it. I am currently on my 3rd marriage. I use the term loosely since my husband has been gone now for well over a month, just after Thanksgiving, when he just decided to run home to his momma again, as he’s done before. This time there was no screaming, no throwing of things, no drinking or arguing. He simply decided he couldn’t take my morning crabbiness and decided to leave. Fine. I didn’t cry, I didn’t whine, or fight for him to stay. I simply packed his things and sent him away. His parents have continually babied him throughout his life due to his “accident” as he calls it in 1992. It was in fact an assault, three or four men tied him up and beat him nearly to death, and he was in a coma for 3 months. Since his parents took the responsibility to care for him while he recovered, now some 20+ years later, they can’t let go. And he, it seems can’t either. Before when he left, the last time for 3 months, I cried myself to sleep every night, hugged his pillow, mourned him as if he’d died, and never left my house. I didn’t eat, sleep well, or speak to anyone. At the time my car was acting up, and eventually I found out the battery was to blame, but before that, I had called him to blame him for “messing with my car” in an attempt to fight him. I was sure he would do something so sinister and mean. But turned out, the cable was loose. One day after discussing it on the phone, he must have felt bad, because he showed up and asked to look at the car to see if he could fix it. Of course, the car started up. Being near him again I could feel the sadness creep in, but I had decided it just was time to let him go. He never left again. We were married that same February and I thought a calm had come over him, as if he finally felt settled in and happy. I was again, wrong. You see, a person who has a head injury just can’t be completely the same. He developed BiPolar Disorder from it, and has enormous rage issues. He gets super depressed for a day or two, then comes up with a hundred new things he wants to do, become or buy. I simply can’t do all he wants, and then of course it’s my fault because I won’t “let him” as he puts it. Which is simply incorrect. In one weeks time, he decided to promote his disco service (which he has tried for 5 years to do and is not a good dj, has never had any training, and allows many people to take advantage of him and not pay him) he has wanted to go back to school for his GED, take classes in Fiber optics, DJing, and welding. But the last straw was when he said he wanted to make pinatas. Yes, seriously. How much can I take in a week? I usually argued with him and would finally give in just to shut him up. Never in 5 years has he ever tried to find out my brothers names, their background or anything about my family. He never asked about my dreams or hopes for the future, or encouraged me to write or paint as I had done before he was in the picture. The place we live in is in the city, El Paso, TX and I hate it here. It’s either boiling hot or freezing cold, but always windy, dusty and brown. I miss the green of the grass and the trees and flowers I am used to. I moved here 6 years ago to find, hopefully, a new man, a new life, a new job. One out of three is ok, but not the whole picture. Since being here I have had nothing but health problems, dealt with my depression without medications, and never did find that job. I ended up on disability, which is probably where I will be forever. I held my last job working as a Peer Specialist in GA for 8 years, and I was damn good at it. When all the psychologists, counselors, nurses and bosses were being shown the door, I was the one who was promoted. I was the one who stayed and did the work of all of them. For a lot less money. After 8 years I was burned out and thought I could do better in TX. Boy was I wrong. Texas has the highest unemployment, at 9% at that time, and there are more homeless people here with mental problems than I have ever seen in my life. After 18 month of looking for a job, not knowing a lick of Spanish, I gave up. I lost it. I got depressed. And I checked myself into a place to get some help. It was then that disability seemed the only way to go. Apparently, the government thought so too, because my diagnosis of Severe depression and Anxiety disorder got me in right away.  Yet my husband with a head trauma, gets limited funding from disability. It just doesn’t make sense. So, that is part of why I am here. And I can’t leave. No money, no car, and no way to get out. For now……but I will. The other part of the story is named Adam. He was a young man in our building, quite handsome and very nice, but he had a nasty habit of doing drugs. One day he managed to smoke something called Spice which had been laced with something bad, and he died. He was 26 years old. Gone. For over a week no one saw him. One day however, his body was discovered in his apartment, decomposing. I guess all his “friends” weren’t too worried. No one was. Since his death, things have been a little weird here. People spoke of seeing his apparition in the building. But since most of the building houses people with physical and mental problems, no one took it seriously. I have always believed in ghosts, particularly because my grandmother paid me a visit once in NY when we lived in the 3rd floor apartment. A long time I had cried and felt guilty for not seeing her at Christmas before she died. I begged her forgiveness and went into a deep depression. One day in my tiny kitchen at the top of the stairs, I smelled a smell I had only ever smelled in her house as a child. It was an off smell, like old musty house, mixed with grandma perfume and cigarettes. I have never smelled it before or since. I felt a cold spot near me where there were no pipes or refrigeration and then a warm hug from her. I knew then she was telling me to let go and I was forgiven. About 2 years ago, right around the time of Adam’s death, my husband and I began watching ghost cams on the internet. We would see orbs, hear noises, but never had anything entered our home. One night an investigation took place in one woman’s home in FL, and we watched patiently as they set up, asked questions, took readings and little things happened. When it was over we went to bed. That night, a woman was singing very loudly in our kitchen, less than 5 feet away from us. It was as if she was right there. We both heard it. And the sound was beautiful, but you couldn’t make out the words. Later that week, I would hear someone knock on our door. We are on the first floor of our building, and the back exit door is right next to us, as well as an elevator and stairs. You can’t come into the building without us hearing the door open and slam, or the elevator ding, or someone going up the stairs.  I opened the door and no one was there. It happened twice that night. Also, there was knocking on the wall near my husband, who was fast asleep. We’ve heard countless voices calling our names, and one of us is usually asleep when it happens. The CD burner/player of my husbands was moved and not yet plugged in. It turned on several nights in a row while I watched tv across the room in terror as words flashed across the screen. They were not the words that come on when it’s plugged in, or turned on. No other lights on the machine which usually come on did. Just the words. The first was HELLO. Other nights when my husband slept, I would stay up to watch tv. At our window I would see a dark figure peek around our window. It’s gravel outside so you generally hear when someone walks by the window (meterman, etc).  The craziest thing was one night we played cards well after 1 am at the next door neighbor’s apartment. I was facing her windows, which are exactly like ours. She had the blinds up all the way and the window open. The walkway next to the window/building is less than 2 feet or so. There is a 5-6 foot fence between our building and the one next door and no way around it. The walkway is gravel as I said. At one point I looked up at the window and saw the reflection of someone walking behind me inside the apartment.  It was a young man, and I believe it was Adam. He simply walked behind me and into the bedroom at our friend’s apartment and disappeared. I’m not crazy. the woman singing came from the internet ghost channel. I asked the woman who owns the house and has the online cams about it and she stated many people have had “visits” from the ghosts. When EVPs were performed, the ghosts were asked if they went to people’s homes who watched the cams, and they replied, “Yes.” When asked, “why?” they said, “Because we can.”  Apparently even ghosts get bored from time to time! Adam has been here since my husband left. Two days ago he threw a foam cover from my headphones at my head. Later, it began spinning on my desk in front of me. I have had cigarettes lit as if I had just lit it and I hadn’t even taken them out of the package. And tonight, I think he spoke again. I also heard a knock on my bedroom wall. It’s 2:30 in the morning and no one is awake but me. I thanked him politely for keeping me company, and watching over me. He was a night person too, and I think he just gets bored with everyone else who sleeps. He knows I don’t……. Since none of our “visitors” have ever harmed me, or really scared me too badly, I have accepted that they will continue to let me know they are here. Our friend, Diana, also died about 3 years ago and I often wonder if she visits. She did come to me in a dream one night after she died. She was in her 60’s and loved life, but had little money and a tiny apartment. In my dream she asked my husband and I to come to see her house. When we got to it, there were no walls or a roof, just a beautiful small wall surrounding her things and nice scenery. She was so happy and told me, “look at my beautiful house!” I think she was letting me know she was alright and happy and no longer in pain. I had toyed with writing again, or doing a blog. Most of the time I couldn’t get to the computer because my husband was on it downloading countless pictures of Spanish soap opera stars and singers. But since he’s been gone, I have found a desire to write again, and it brings me so much peace. I used to be so worried about writing a blog, having someone I know reading it, worrying about the language or cursing or who I spoke about. But if nothing else, this “break” from marriage has shown me, I really don’t give a fuck  flying fig about what anyone sees or thinks. I will be myself and damn anyone try to change me again. After 3 failed marriages, changing myself for others, giving all I have physically, mentally, emotionally and financially, I’m done giving anything more. This blog is my sanity, my salvation, my hope for a new life, where I am the person God intended and not what my in-laws want, or my husband, or friends who get jealous because I have a life. Maybe the dead come back because they miss things they had or regret what they didn’t. Maybe the living should miss the things they had before they walked away and regret doing it. Either way, I’m happier with my ghosts. Even if they keep me awake at 3:57 am……

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